Get Herald RSSIt's time to stop beating around the bush: Brown has started down the slippery slope to state-schoolism, and its students are paying the price. With the economy in shambles, an Ivy League degree isn't worth what it once was. Nepotism is dying, and employers are increasingly concerned with what they deem "employee production value" - their goodwill towards Brown's brand of indolent intellectual-elitism is waning.
It's time to get real: Surrender dreams of self-employed artistry and half-hearted philanthropy; break ground in fields once deemed gaudy and shallow. What we need are politicians and pundits, execs and entrepreneurs-in short, difference-makers, people who can pull this country together. Skeptics will say it's impossible, that the coma of our liberalism is too deep. But if we retool and re-motivate - if we start now - there's still a chance we can turn things around.
This editorial is meant to inspire, not discourage - we wouldn't address a problem if we didn't have a solution in mind. Though the upcoming battle with reality is sure to be trying, we at the editorial page board have once again found your ticket to salvation: Adderall.
A recent Herald poll revealed that last semester 89.9 percent of Brown students abstained from illegal use of prescription stimulants. All we have to say is this: What the fuck, guys? Honestly. This is just the type of apathy that's brought the University to an abysmal 16th in U.S. News and World Report's ranking of top national universities. If you want to change the world, if you want to save Brown's reputation and maybe, one day, get a job, you're going to have to make some sacrifices, bend a few rules.
Stop whining about your apprehensions. Listen to your hipster L.A./N.Y. friends: Adderall's purported side effects are just shallow attempts by THE MAN to keep you from realizing your potential. We're sick of watching you squander Wednesday nights drooling over books in the absolute quiet room or sweating on drunken freshman at Fish Co. The world is falling apart! This is no time to slack off.
We'd like to highlight the success of Brunonian Sean Quigley as proof of just what one can accomplish with the help of study drugs; armed with only God's word and a handful of 30mg extended release tablets, Sean has managed to beat back the legions of naysaying Trustafarians. While the Cellucci-Stripper scandal of 2008 bars us from advocating recreational use of the drug, take a page out of Sean's book and cheek one or two next time you're headed to the library. Speed up - it's time to make a difference!
Ready for change? Need help scoring? Call Anish Mitra, dealer to the stars, at (401) 863-3953.
Editorials are written by The Herald's editorial page fascists. Send comments to spam@browndailyherald.com.
