"So I dropped a class today."
"Why?"
"I missed the midterm."
"Why did you do that?"
"I didn't feel like going."
"So you dropped the class?"
"Yeah, it was easier than e-mailing the professor with an excuse."
This conversation actually happened. Afterwards I realized that there was something spreading among my classmates, something more than a malaise, and growing stronger by the minute. We've all tried to ignore it - denial is, after all, a very strong phenomenon - but eventually I had to come to terms with it. This campus is experiencing an epidemic of Senioritis.
No one quite knows the cause of the disease, although it has been observed that there is a high correlation between Senioritis and digital cable. Indeed, long days spent lying on the couch watching four or five movies like "The Day After Tomorrow" and "Win a Date with Tad Hamilton!" is a prime symptom and may suggest that Senioritis can be brought about by the presence of STARZ Mystery and ACTIONMAX. Other causes of Senioritis may include job offers and pre-traumatic stress disorder from graduation and living off campus, although on campus, variations of Senioritis have been observed.
How do you know if you have Senioritis? Take this brief quiz: Do you have the number of Bagel Gourmet on your speed dial and do they know you by name? Do you deem any distance over half a block "not-walkable"? Do you eat at Wendy's or Taco Bell just because you can? Have you asked for more than one extension on an assignment this year? Have you stopped asking for extensions and just accepted late penalties? Do you consider Beirut a "sport," and is it the only sport that you participate in? Does the idea of going to section having not read any of the required readings or attended any of the relevant lectures not even faze you? Do you consider Shanghai to be a nutritious meal? Do you have a weird fascination with the GCB? Do you ever utter the words "ewww ... Fish Co. ... what, do you want to hang out with freshmen or something?" Do you consider Thayer Street to be "so last year"? Is "personal hygiene" becoming more of a relative term? Do you feel like you're doing the world a favor when you go to class?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may want to get yourself checked out.
There may be physical symptoms too. Weight gain, especially in the form of a beer gut, is quite common - although extreme weight loss in cases where Senioritis has left people unable to go to the store and buy groceries or, alternatively, unable to get off the couch to eat a meal, has been observed in certain cases. There have also been cases of damaged bladders in some afflicted seniors who "just didn't feel like getting up" or who didn't want to miss any part of "Weekend at Bernie's II."
Seniors afflicted with Senioritis also communicate in different ways. Mostly they've tried to save their energy by only communicating in grunts and pointing. There is, however, a common vocabulary among those who have a more mild case of Senioritis. One of the most common phrases among Senioritis sufferers is: "but this could be our last...", which appears to be a mode of justification. For example: "But this could be our last chance to go to Wick Pub on a Monday. Just think about where you'll be one year from now, and how much you'll regret not coming out with us just because you had a midterm and a few job applications to do." Another common aspect of communication among those with Senioritis is that the question "why?" has been basically replaced in importance by "why not?" As in, "I think I'm gonna stick a CD in the microwave ... why not?"
Senioritis, while likely contained within the quarantined senior population, may have an adverse effect on the rest of the campus. Seniors afflicted with Senioritis have been known to abandon many if not all of there extracurricular activities. Some may even miss three separate column deadlines without as much as an email (sorry about that). It is also likely that if you want to meet with a senior and you are not going to meet them at their house, they will be over 25 minutes late if they show up at all.
How can you cure Senioritis? I'm afraid no one knows. But perhaps a cure isn't immediately needed, as all my research has pointed to the fact that there's a common feeling among those affected: that this is the time of their lives.
Adam Nelson '06 has senioritis, mononucleiosis, glaucoma and a Ratty addiction.
