Diamonds and coal

A diamond to the Alpert Medical School for its new, shiny $100 million name. But coal to the fact that it strangely echoes that place in Seekonk where we bought our futon.

Coal to the conditions in Keeney following the water shutdown. We know freshman year is all about debauchery, but guys, clogged toilets and vomit-streaked hallways are just too much. Get back to breaking the “no unitcest” rule.

A diamond to ResLife director Rich Bova for trying not to “cramp our style.” As a former Grad Center resident, he knows how much personal style cinder block walls and exposed pipes require.

A diamond to Jo’s workers for putting up with Brunonian vomit, blood and globs of ketchup and mayonnaise. Kids who stuff chips down their pants must not know that all the cool kids now pre-game at the Ratty.

Coal to Christina Haag ’82 and the $1 million she’s getting to write a tell-all book about her college relationship with Phi Psi brother John Kennedy Jr. ’83. Too bad Facebook’s news feed has ruined our chances of landing slush deals about our illicit college hookups.

A diamond to Louella Hill’s ’04 “cheese sabbatical.” Is that a semester making cheese or eating it? Sounds like a course our fellow Ivy Leaguers – Cornell hotel school students – might take.

Coal to Brown’s B grade on the Sustainability Report Card. Should have taken that class S/NC … or dropped it at the last minute.

A diamond to trans fats. We bet they’ll appreciate the gender-neutral bathrooms.

We would have given a coal to cutting wireless expansion, but we kept getting kicked off the netw-