U. to replace professors with nuns

Monday, April 2, 2007

Citing the need to curb rampant bacchanalianism among students, the University is considering a plan to eventually replace professors with nuns. The plan, known as “Tremendously Brown,” would involve phasing out professors as instructors next year, suspending all faculty searches and hiring nuns to teach students.

The measure has sparked extreme student opposition.

“We must begin to reexamine whether facts and knowledge have value within a soulless environment,” President Ruth Simmons said.

University officials first floated the plan in January following a New York Times article on the high quality of Brown’s naked parties and a 2005 Fox News report on Sex Power God.

According to Dean of the Faculty Rajiv Vohra P’07, all tenured professors will remain at the University, but nuns will replace them as they retire. Vohra said he expects the faculty to be completely comprised of nuns within the next two decades.

“This will solve all sorts of problems that currently bother faculty, such as students skipping class or cheating, because the nuns will be much more aggressive with undergraduates,” Vohra said. “Nuns have a lot more fury about vices than professors do.”

Graduate students, who work intimately with faculty in their departments, were generally ambivalent. “Graduate school and living in a convent aren’t too dissimilar, so I probably won’t notice the change,” said Jay McCarthy GS.

At a faculty meeting last month, professors complained that replacing university-trained instructors with nuns threatens Brown’s academic quality.

“This is outrageous, that Brown would replace its distinguished professors with women of the cloth – it’s deeply troubling,” said Professor of Art Wendy Edwards in the meeting.

After nearly an hour of professors speaking against the proposal, the faculty approved the measure unanimously.

In response, undergraduates have stepped up their protest efforts. Students have taken up an aggressive protest campaign involving posting to each other on the Daily Jolt, joining a Facebook group and complaining to each other loudly in the Sharpe Refectory.

Members of Students for a Democratic Society said they are organizing a pray-in to protest the change. “First it’s nuns. Next they’ll bring in ROTC. And then? Farmers, probably,” said Julius Lofer-Dooley ’09, a SDS activist.

Several students told The Herald they won’t be attending a series of University-wide forums on the proposal, citing inner tube water polo practice.

“We’ve been hearing about this (proposal) for a while now, but we’re going to hold off on injecting our thoughts into this discussion until after the decision is finalized by administrators,” said John Gillis ’07, president of the Undergraduate Council of Students, adding that students should receive an e-mail condemning the change in the coming weeks.

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