Editorials, Science & Research

Diamonds and coal

By
Sunday, May 30, 2010

A diamond to Providence. What a great little college town, and so appropriately named. Still, living somewhere with slightly less rainfall will be, well, divine.

A diamond to Hermione. Now that we seventh-years are on the way out, I guess that means you’ll be the new Quaffler or whatever on the quidditch team. Go Bruno.

Coal to mortarboards. We’re wary of putting something on our heads that sounds like the latest wheeled contraption conveying hipsters down Brook Street.

Speaking of which, a congratulatory diamond to our journalistic and kickballing foes at the College Hill Independent, for four years of spinning University funding into journalistic gold. You got out of the business at the right time though — with budget cuts, we hear the University may ask you to ditch the ironically patterned broadsheet. Hey, Brown is green!

Coal to the Rhode Island Blood Center. You keep labeling our donations, but how many times do we have to tell you we don’t believe in pluses and minuses?  

Coal to President Obama, whose meteoric rise over the last four years has made him such a cliché. Whatever, though — we saw him live before he got big.

A diamond to the ghosts of Thayer Street past — Dunkin’ Donuts, Geoff’s, Spikes, Cold Stone, Roba!Dolce, Store 24 before it was Tedeschi’s. Don’t worry, we can never replace you — and neither can your landlords.

A diamond to Spectrum India, though, which outlasted all of the above. How you pay for that space by selling novelty tissue-box holders, broken sandals and sequins will remain a mystery to future generations.

A cubic zirconium to campus leftists and their activism. We wouldn’t know what we’d do without you, but after four years of your non-stop teaching in, taking back and dancing off, it’s a relief to finally be walking out.

Un diamante to College Hill’s greatest enduring fixture, Bagel Gourmet. Don’t let anyone tell you there’s such thing as too much cream cheese.

Coal to the Creative Arts Center. Sure, construction’s looking nice over there in Wind Tunnel Alley (er, “The Walk”), but we dislike things that are eccentric, overpriced and not yet ready to do their job. (A diamond to the members of the graduating class, nevertheless.)

A diamond to both the guest speakers and rappers performing on the Main Green this spring. Mr. Rohde, if you need a good opening line for your address, just paraphrase a crowd-pleaser like Snoop’s: “Do anybody at this University smoke journalism?!”

A cubic zirconium to the Slavery and Justice report, which was released when we were freshmen. Even if the University has since come up short on making amends for slavery, justice will be served as long as the PDF is available online somewhere, right?

Coal to the First Baptist Church in America. First in history, last in seating capacity.

Finally, a diamond to Brown, the place we’ve called home for the last four years. If those credit card offers from the Alumni Association are a good first indication, we’re sure you’ll be in touch.

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