As I sat in front of my computer preparing to write this column, I stared blankly at the screen, desperately racking my brain for how on Earth I was going to sneak a Valentine's Day theme into it. Sports and romance mix about as well as oil and water. Sure, they touch at some points, but everywhere else they stay apart. Remember "Jerry Maguire II?" "Love and Basketball II?" No? That's because they didn't happen. No one would go see a movie in which Omar Epps gets fed up with babysitting his daughter, can't take watching his wife play in the WNBA anymore and goes back into the NBA with the Bobcats.
And the Bobcats are about as romantic as a truck-stop restroom stall.
So instead, I'm going to glaze over the topic of love, put my snarky comments about disgustingly happy couples at nice restaurants on the shelf and not comfort the single people glaring at the aforementioned couples through the windows with thoughts of the easiest way to slip cyanide in their bottle of Merlot.
No friends. Today, my valentine is for the good people of Washington. I suppose it is actually more of a request than a valentine: Make me the Washington Wizards general manager.
You might ask yourself, "Well Sam, this is all fine and well, but isn't this what your role model/favorite author/number-one-person-you-want-to-meet, ESPN's own Bill Simmons, did when the Timberwolves job opened up?"
Yes. Yes, it is. And current Wizards GM Ernie Grunfeld actually did a pretty good job dumping Arenas' contract for the shorter, but still putrid, contract of Rashard Lewis. But let me outline my plan for you Wiz fans, and let's see if I can win you over.
1. Extend John Wall's contract.
First and foremost, I'm signing Wall to a contract extension. He's the centerpiece of this franchise. He knows it. We know it. I'll push for a longer contract, four years with a player option for five. Honestly, price is not an issue. We are going to have the cap room, and even if he asks for a max contract, I give him that money. Right now, for this franchise? Worth it.
And honestly, he probably won't. That's just a worst-case scenario. Washington isn't really a small market and, considering the high esteem the team holds him in, I think he'd really want to play here.
Once we've got John Wall locked :
2. Find a way to dump Rashard Lewis' toxic contract.
The second order of business is getting rid of the turd sandwich that is Rashard Lewis' contract. When I was looking to move him, I had to keep a couple of things in mind. The team that would take the contract would have to be a contender that just needs role players because that's what Rashard is now, in a desperate situation of their own — like injured or misbehaving players and/or slipping in the standings — and have a ton of money to throw around, so they won't blink at the money Rashard is owed. Give up?
Ladies and gentlemen, the Los Angeles Lakers! Cue Lakers fans getting put on edge by the Celtics fan suggesting that they would trade for Rashard.
Hear me out. Because it sounds crazy, but think about this three-teamer with the Sacramento Kings.
The Wiz get Samuel Dalembert's expiring contract and Ron Artest, who has been a distraction all year, can't shoot and has a bad contract of his own. But his contract is much cheaper and a year longer than Rashard's, and his "excellent" defense could easily be mimed by Matt Barnes who is just sitting on the bench. The Kings get Andrew Bynum and one of the Wizard's expiring contracts, Yi Jianlian or something like that. Lakers get Rashard for spot-up shooting off the bench and DeMarcus Cousins from the Kings. Cousins has been putting up numbers but is a behavioral nightmare for the Kings. A scary dad figure like Kobe Bryant would whip him into shape.
I can see everyone rolling their eyes, but why not? Who says no to this? Bynum is always hurt and will never have a healthy season in the NBA — mark my words. Not to mention the Lakers are better without Bynum because then Gasol plays center and Odom plays power forward. Seriously, since he's been back, they have been worse. Cousins is a monster talent, can contribute right now and will only get better. Shannon Brown, or Barnes for defense, can start in Artest's spot. Maybe even Rashard! Too much.
The Kings get rid of the troubling Cousins, who could get into an Arenas-esque situation any day now and be suspended and useless, pick up Bynum who, when he plays, is very good — he won't be healthy, but the Kings don't know that — and make themselves cap room for next season.
The Wiz are stuck with Artest's contract, but would you rather pay Rashard $20 million over the next three years or pay Artest $7 million dollars a year over the next four? Also, Artest's defense renders him serviceable. Plus, Dalembert's monster $13 million dollar expiring really frees up some cap room to get involved in the hunt for a young free agent.
The Wizards have some expiring contracts and guys like Josh Howard that they could use to sweeten the deal if anyone needs more convincing. Really, though, it's a trade where everyone wins. The Wizards build for the future, the Kings think they are getting a good center, the Lakers get better. Wait, what am I doing? Dear God, What am I doing? Oh wait, this can't happen because of the enormous man-crush that the Lakers' GM Jerry Buss has on Bynum.
Trades like this, though, Wizards fans — I could get them done.
3. Keep losing and draft guys like Jared Sullinger.
The Wiz need a Russell Westbrook to John Wall's Kevin Durant. An overachiever to complement a hyped second-round draft pick. So I'm telling the coaches to put us in the tank and get some lottery picks. ESPN's Chad Ford made a cool Draft Mock Lottery oddsmaker you can run and see who gets what. Almost every time I ran it, the Wizards got Jared Sullinger, a talent who has had some rough games that have made his draft value fall, but a guy whom I think is going to be a great talent when he gets here. If we lose another year, we're back in the lottery and looking to do some damage.
4. Sign Eddy Curry to a $60 million dollar contract when he becomes available at the end of this season.
Cue laugh track. Cut to Knicks fans glaring at me before screaming "But we are getting Carmelo!" Nets fans rub hands together and cackle to themselves in a dark corner, plotting.
4 (Actual). Use cap room in three to four years to toss around weight on the free agent market.
Washington isn't New York or Los Angeles, but it's a serviceably big market. And a lot of guys would want to play with John Wall. We could make a run at Dwight Howard, for example. I'm sure someone else pays him more, but we can try. We can pursue big-name guys like Kevin Love or sneaky ones like J.J. Redick. We will have the cap room. Use this to build around Wall and JaVale McGee, who is blossoming into a quality starting center, and we have ourselves a contender.
What do you think Wiz fans? Yes? No? Stop treating hypothetical situations like they could happen? Fine. But when my plan works and President Obama meets The Wiz in his second term after they win the championship and gives a speech that includes him gesturing at John Wall and exclaiming "Not even Mr. Gorbachev could tear down this Wall!" you remember what I did for you.
Sam Sheehan '12 came up with this column idea while playing around on ESPN's Trade Machine for three hours on Valentine's Day and, yes, he thinks he has his priorities straight. Tell him how awful you think his trade is at sam_sheehan@brown.edu or follow him on Twitter @SamSheehan.
