Alright, look. I swear I was going to write a hockey column this week. But then I didn't.
I tried to write one for a little bit, honestly. I even put together some good titles. There was "Tampa Bay's resurgence has attendance peaking as dozens now attend home games," but I realized that was too long. I then went with "San Jose begins posting suicide hotline numbers around the city as fans brace for another soul-crushing Sharks loss this postseason," only to realize that was even longer. At that point, I tried to turn it into an exploratory piece, titling it "If the Flyers team bus explodes, is it a tragedy or a ‘tragedy?'" Then I recognized writing that could implicate me when I poison the team's catered meal. I'll need to make a clean getaway.
So here we are again with a basketball column. But I've got a neat little gimmick this week. Don't you worry.
As some of you may have heard, the Brown Concert Agency managed to snag us Diddy and TV on the Radio for Spring Weekend this year. I also know that there are a lot of haters out there who are grumbling. Personally, I think BCA did a great job, given that we got screwed by the Coachella music festival this year. Cheap, good bands that we usually nab are all there, so getting a big name like Diddy and a great live band like TV on the Radio is a good start.
As a matter of fact, I realized that every Spring Weekend we've had over the past three years has been pretty good — for those of you doing the math on my status as a junior, I took a year off. I also realized that there are some pretty good parallels between those performances and the NBA teams that look to make the playoffs in the East. See where I'm going with this? Let's take a look.
Boston Celtics — Snoop Dogg
in 2010
Both of these parties are OGs. But while Snoop's an "original gangster," the Celtics are just "old guys." But the thing about both of them is even in their advanced age, they still bring the fire. That, and they both have a fascination with green.
Get it, a weed joke? No? Moving on.
Chicago Bulls — The Black Keys in 2010
I think everyone knew that both the Bulls and The Black Keys were going to be big — we just didn't realize that it was going to happen so quickly. All of a sudden, the Keys are sub-headlining the aforementioned Coachella, and the Bulls are "tightening up" the race for the top seed in the East.
Oh, come on! That was comedy gold! Whatever.
Miami Heat — MGMT in 2010
Both were expected to have phenomenal performances. And while neither has really done anything terribly, fans are looking at each other near the end and saying, "Wait, is this really happening?" Though I guess if you want to split hairs, on the one hand you have a band refusing to play their most popular track until they get a double encore, and on the other, you have a bench-less group of "friends" crying in the locker room and listening to "Fix You" on repeat.
Orlando Magic — Of Montreal
in 2009
When people look at either of these, they have to admit, "I have no idea what's going on." Think of Dwight Howard as the music, solid and anchoring. Think of Ryan Anderson, Jason Richardson and Gilbert Arenas as the crazy costumes. They could be helping, but I can't really tell.
Atlanta Hawks — Vampire Weekend in 2008
You were really excited and impressed for them when you saw them early on. Now, you can't help but feel bad for them and the magic they lost somewhere along the way. Remember the good old days, when they played "Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa" or when Joe Johnson actually played hard? You know, before they got paid too much money.
The Hawks are like watching the movie "Titanic." It looks like it's going well, but there's an iceberg out there.
New York Knicks — Lupe Fiasco in 2008
In both cases, you have friends avidly telling you, "They are really good! You're gonna totally agree with me when you see!" But they've been telling you this for years, so you are starting to get annoyed. When you actually do see them, you are really impressed, but don't want to admit it. You say things like, "Superstar didn't sound great live," or, "You can't get anywhere with Jeffries and Turiaf as your centers".
My housemate has been singing a parody of Wiz Khalifa's "Black and Yellow" that he has dubbed "Stoud and Melo" while he watches Knicks games. I may kill him.
Philadephia 76ers — Girl Talk
in 2008
You were pretty sure that, given the circumstances, you weren't going to have fun. Getting jammed into Meehan as a rain location or coming off a season where you were a draft lottery team will make even the most avid fans skeptical. But both the overachieving Sixers and the never-miss Girl Talk brought it, and everyone was pleasantly surprised.
Think of Evan Turner as that object you felt in that guy's pocket when you brushed up against him to get closer to the stage. Your imagination thinks there will be nameless horrors involved, but really it's just a solid NBA player or a cell phone.
Indiana Pacers — Deer Tick
in 2009
I refused to see either of these.
Sam Sheehan '12 just successfully got through this column without making a Charlie Sheen joke. It can be done. Talk sports with him at sam_sheehan@brown.edu or follow him on twitter @SamSheehan.
