It's OK, everyone. Even though the lockout made me temporarily go into a rage blackout, I'm back this week. I managed to calm myself down by writing a letter to Showtime with a creative suggestion for their next episode of "Dexter."
Oh, like you wouldn't watch an episode where he puts NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell on his kill table and shows him pictures of all the happy NFL fans enjoying a nice football game.
Dexter would then jam his finger into Goodell's forehead and creepily whisper in his ear, "I wanted to take Harrison to a Dolphins game this year, but your failure to do your job has cost us, Roger. Now, I'm going to kill you like I'm Ronnie Brown touching the ball on any given play." He would then pull on Ricky Williams' helmet with the black visor before going to work on Goodell. I think it would be the best "Dexter" to date.
Whenever I watch March Madness, there is always one question I can't help but ask myself. It's not, "What on Earth made this Mormon boy decide that Jimmer was a cooler name than James?" or "Morehead State University's founders really didn't see that name might cause a few issues?" Oh, no. It's something far more selfish and removed from sport than that.
It has been my dream since I was a young boy to be either a space marine or the hero of time that eventually rescued Princess Zelda. Once I figured out that those probably wouldn't be lucrative career choices, however, I decided I wanted to write my own television show. The problem with March Madness is that I often have to watch CBS for an extended period of time, which in turn reminds me that my show would likely be cancelled to make room for the sixth season of "Mike and Molly."
This is even more of a problem during football season, as I usually have to listen to Phil Simms call a Patriots game, followed by between four and 37 car ads and a TV spot for CBS's new hit show, "Undercover Boss." This week, watch as the president of a local hospital tries his hand at open heart surgery. But is the patient the only one getting his heart torn apart? Don't miss this touching episode, next. It's all here on CBS, America's most watched network — because senior citizens pass away while watching us!
But then I realized something. Network television channels cover a ton of sports, so why not come up with some sports-themed programming for the awful, terrible, soul-crushing shows? That way, not only could I fulfill my dream of writing a TV show, but we could also advertise to the sports demographic that watches March Madness, football, baseball and basketball.
I already have some great pitches we could use.
CSI: Miami Heat
LeBron James and Dwyane Wade walk onto a crime scene in suits and sunglasses, while Chris Bosh scribbles in a notebook near a body bag. LeBron pulls off his sunglasses to peer into the body bag, and Wade asks, "What do we got?"
"A career dead in the water," Bosh says. "It seems like someone thought we could just switch the body of one washed-up center for another."
"Someone stuck us with Juwan Howard after we got rid of Jermaine O'Neal," Wade realizes. "What do you think, LeBron?"
LeBron stands up and says, "All I know is when it comes to centers —"
He puts his sunglasses on. "Somebody picked Ju-wrong one."
The Amazing Race: NFL Edition
Things heat up on this week's Amazing Race, as teammates Austin Collie and Peyton Manning face their most dangerous challenge ever: grabbing a bow tie off the tail of a rhino!
"Come on, Austin," Peyton says. "When have I ever put you in a dangerous situation?"
Actually, this show would be canceled halfway through the first season, after Austin Collie is gored to death in a challenge. Peyton Manning forgets to rescue him because he gets distracted by a particularly scrumptious sandwich.
House: Portland Trailblazers Athletic Trainer
This week on "House," the doctor faces a freak disease running rampant thorough the Trail Blazers locker room.
"It's as if their knees are exploding out from under them," House says, "but there's no way that could be because we draft unhealthy, risky players and play them for way too many minutes. It's got to be an advanced strain."
But can House save the Blazers' lone star before it's too late?
"You're craz
y, House!" yells LaMarcus Aldridge.
"I have to pour gravel between your kneecap and joint," House says. "You don't get anywhere without risks, and I don't play by the rules."
The Biggest Loser: MLB
The teams are stacked going into this season finale, but will David Eckstein and Dustin Pedroia be able to hold off David Ortiz and C.C. Sabathia?
"I honestly can't lose another pound," Eckstein says. "I went into the bathroom to try and puke some of the weight off, and I'm pretty sure I threw up my pancreas. I heard Dustin watching TV last night, and he called Kate Moss ‘fatty.' This show is killing us."
Jillian Michaels is kicking Pedroia and screaming, "Get up, you slob!"
Sabathia giggles and says, "Look, I'm not saying David and I are cocky or anything like that, but I sweat off Dustin Pedroia's weight in water when I watch 'Shutter Island.'"
"I honestly don't know how we get away with being called professional athletes," says Ortiz, tearing into a Boston Market Thanksgiving meal. "I mean, this is the third one of these things I've eaten today, and it's 2 p.m."
The (Front) Office
It's another wacky day in the Yankees front office, but will Hal Steinbrenner finally tell his brother what's on his mind?
"I'm pretty big around here," Hank says. "I'm assistant Yankees owner."
"Assistant to the Yankees owner," Hal corrects him.
And will Brian Cashman finally ask out the cute receptionist, Samantha?
"Hey Sam, I've decided I want to ask you out, but you have to pay for the date. And I can't guarantee that I can give you a ride home, so you will probably have to ride the bus," Brian says.
"Aren't you pretty well-paid?" Sam asks. "My grandma is really sick, and I can barely afford her bills, so I don't think I can."
"Fine, you're ugly anyway," Cashman says. "I don't need you."
He walks away for a second before walking back to say, "Oh, and you're fired."
Deal or No Deal: NBA Draft
This week on "Deal or No Deal," Minnesota Timberwolves General Manager David Kahn gets his lottery pick. But wait until you hear what the Banker has in story for him!
"The Banker is offering you — Rashard Lewis!" Howie Mandel says excitedly. "Just so we are clear, you still have Kyrie Irving, Perry Jones and Jared Sullinger on the board. So what will it be, Mr. Kahn? Deal or no deal?"
Kahn looks out at the crowd of Minnesota fans wildly gesturing "no deal" before saying, "Well, I know those are some great picks, but Rashard is a guy who tested positive for human growth hormone, has the worst contract in the league and dogs so hard that Iams wants to sponsor him, so it seems like my choice is pretty clear."
Minnesota fans cheer at this.
"Deal!" says Kahn, pushing the button with a happy grin on his face. The Minnesota fans go home in silence and mark another day on their calendar until they can see Joe Mauer play.
Sam Sheehan '12 would sit through a season of Toronto Raptors' home games if it meant someone would read his pilot. Talk sports with him at sam_sheehan(at)brown.edu or follow him on Twitter @SamSheehan.
