By Sam sheehan
Sports Columnist
Nearly a month and a half ago, there was a knock on my door in the middle of the night. I opened the door in my nightdress, wondering who could be calling at that hour. There stood the NFL Season, soaked in rain and begging to come back into my life.
"I just don't want you to ever leave me like that again," I said, with tears in my eyes. "You can't quit on me like that again." The NFL Season started to apologize, but I cut it short, exclaiming, "You had me at ‘the lockout is over!'"
Yes, football season is happening! It's really happening! Another year of pretending that fantasy football is important. Another year of high-fiving total strangers at Spats and pretending that sports are a good reason to be in a bar at one in the afternoon.
Another year of glorious, glorious football.
But there are still so many questions. Will Rex Ryan actually get fat enough to have his own gravitational field? At what point does the Panthers' death spiral stop being funny? Will Jerry Jones demand that he be referred to as "Senator Palpatine"? Let's start off the year by taking a peek at how the division races are going to match up this year in the American Football Conference.
AFC East
The parallels between Mark Sanchez and Ryan Gosling are truly staggering. The two are charismatic 20-somethings who wandered into good job situations and are fiercely defended by the 17-23 year-old female demographic. This is the year that Sanchez has to either stop being spectacularly average or else the Jets will begin to slide back into mediocrity. The Jets lost some good defensive players in the offseason as well as reliable target Braylon Edwards, so The Sanchize has got to step up his game if the Jets want to be back in championship conversation.
Long story short, I think Sanchez gets better, the Pats and the Jets split their games this year and we see the two teams finish 13-3 and 11-5, respectively. The Dolphins put up a respectable 9-7, while everyone's favorite Harvard alum Ryan Fitzpatrick leads the Bills to a 6-10 finish.
Champs: Patriots, Wild Card: Jets
AFC North
The country watched with bated breath as the Steelers went into Baltimore for last week's game. The black and yellow were coming off a Super Bowl appearance and returning the most starters of any team in the NFL. But they left Baltimore more ashamed than Anthony Weiner's family, as Ben Roethlisberger turned the ball over five times and proved the existence of karma. Despite all of this, I still expect the Steelers to win the division at 11-5, while the Ravens slug their way to a 10-6 record. The Browns will be better, but I just don't see them in the playoffs. The Browns finish 9-7, while the Bengals end the season a putrid 4-12.
Champs: Steelers, Wild Card: Ravens
AFC South
As the division where anything can happen, the AFC South is going to see big strides by the Titans this year. Particularly with Peyton Manning's neck proving as durable as the new Brown Dining Services take-out boxes. The Texans finally got a band-aid for their anemic pass defense this year, aggressively signing some talented secondary players. Even the Jaguars could, in theory, win the division … Maybe …
Okay, actually, there is no way that will happen.
The Titans are going to capitalize on the many weeks that Peyton Manning is out and finish 11-5. The Colts will be hamstrung by Peyton's absence and limp to a pitiful 6-10. The Texans will be set back by Arian Foster's disappointing year, but still finish 10-6. Jack Del Rio will actually have a stress-ball sewn to his hand to prevent him from throttling his players during the Jags' 4-12 campaign.
Champs: Titans
AFC West
Something lost on many NFL fans is that the San Diego Chargers actually finished the last season first in both offensive and defensive yardage. However, San Diego's special teams were about as reliable as Banner during the first day of registration — am I right, guys? — and as a result, the Chargers were nipped by the Chiefs for the crown. But the Chiefs were just thoroughly disemboweled by the lowly Bills, and the Chargers spent the offseason creating a special teams unit that can actually tackle people. The division title is the Chargers' to lose, and I don't see the Raiders or the Broncos doing much to change that — you know, because their quarterbacks are Jason Campbell and Kyle Orton. The Bolts will finish 11-5, while the Raiders, Chiefs and Broncos will end up 7-9, 6-10 and 4-12, respectively.
Champs: Chargers
Check back next week for the NFC preview.
Sam Sheehan '12 has in no way let his fanatical devotion to the Patriots leak into the narrative of this column. Talk sports with him at sam_sheehan@brown.edu or follow him on Twitter @SamSheehan.
