Happy belated Columbus Day. Or, as we call it here at Brown, Fall Weekend.
As many students know, in 2009 the faculty voted to change the name of the holiday weekend to avoid celebrating a man who was responsible for the deaths of countless Native Americans. Despite the fact that Columbus Day began with the efforts of Italian-Americans to celebrate their heritage, the University felt it would be best to avoid insulting anyone at any cost.
But why stop with Columbus Day? There are so many things here that might possibly offend someone. Why not rename everything?
For starters, the University should stop accepting cash as payment at dining halls, the bookstore and vending machines. Of the seven major bills issued by the Federal Reserve, five of them feature the faces of slave owners. Because the nickel and the dime could also be viewed as offensive, the University should not even accept coins.
Another offensive University icon is the life sciences building, which is currently named in honor of famous dropout Sidney Frank '42. He created the importing dynasty that brought Grey Goose vodka and Jagermeister liqueur to America and donated $100 million to the University's financial aid fund. For those who believe that alcohol consumption is immoral, the name of that building could be extremely offensive.
Another atrociously offensive building is that of the French and Hispanic studies departments, Rochambeau House. Brown has several students of British descent, and Jean-Baptiste Rochambeau fought against the British in the American Revolution. We cannot risk offending anyone from Great Britain just to commemorate the founding of this country.
And then there is the name of the University itself. Brown is named after Nicholas Brown, a Providence merchant who was involved in the slave trade. Because of these ties to slavery, the University should seek an immediate name change. Perhaps it could return to its original name, the College in the English Colony of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations. That would look great on a football uniform.
There is, of course, an alternative. Rather than changing every name, we could accept history as it happened and attempt to learn from the failures and atrocities in our past.
Simply changing the name of something to avoid offense is more insulting than keeping the same name and promoting a dialogue about the bloody history of this country. In changing Columbus Day to Fall Weekend, for example, the University seems to think that it can erase the past. There is an attitude that the new name of our three-day weekend will somehow heal the wounds of Native Americans who suffered because of Columbus. The truth is that the horrible things that Columbus did have already happened. They are irreversible, and it is disrespectful to assert that a simple name change will alleviate past tragedies.
Don't get me wrong: There is a level of sensitivity with which issues of slavery and colonization should be dealt. We should not, as a Harvard fraternity did last year, throw a "Conquistabros and Navajos" party to celebrate the second Monday of October. Although Brown's party planners could use a few fresh ideas — I've failed CHEM 0690 twice already — we should not stoop to overtly mocking a sensitive subject.
I believe that holidays like Columbus Day present a unique opportunity to discuss both the good and the bad aspects of our history. It is possible to respect the holiday which honors a courageous explorer and co-discoverer of the Western world while also recognizing that Columbus committed horrible acts that rival those of Hitler and Stalin.
There are certainly those who will be offended that I mentioned Columbus in an even partially positive light. But I would respond that the best way to learn from the past is not to ignore it and change the name to meet the approval of modern-day political correctness. Rather we must accept what has happened, examine it critically without shying away from the gory details and vow never to allow such an atrocity to happen again.
Or we can keep doing what we are doing. In that case, students will graduate from the College in the English Colony of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations without ever setting eyes on the face of George Washington, without knowing where their financial aid comes from and without knowing why they have the second Monday in October off every year.
Garret Johnson '14 is a neuroscience concentrator from Boxford, Mass. who will gladly change his name if it offends you.
