Diamonds and Coal

Diamonds and Coal, March 2

A diamond to the Trinity Repertory Company playwright who said the United States is “at an interesting place in our democracy/empire,” adding that “the similarities to classical Greece are really kind of remarkable and available to anyone who will look.” Yes, as Plato once said, “For a man to conquer himself is the first and noblest of all victories.” And as @KimKardashian once tweeted, “Rise and grind!”

Coal to the University’s athletics department for neglecting to maintain the women’s field hockey field so much that other teams have refused to play on it. No one should feel about a field the way we feel about New Haven.

A diamond to the founder of the Providence Alliance of Clinical Educators, a nonprofit that writes short vignettes to help high school students learn science concepts, who said, “Students hate (cellular respiration), and so if we make it about murder, death and chaos, then we’ll have a chance of breaking into that market.” Maybe we would have paid more attention to photosynthesis in high school if we had learned about it by playing the violent but informative Grand Theft Auto VI: Chloroplast City.

A diamond to the member of the Brown polo team who said, “You’re on a horse, hitting balls with a stick — what more could you want?” Thanks for reminding us that the simple things in life matter most. We’re sure they’re best appreciated decked out in polo gear, atop a horse at the Newport Polo Club.

Coal to the Undergraduate Council of Students and the Undergraduate Finance Board, which are in the process of naming representatives to a joint committee that will examine funding issues and the relationship between the two groups. As the congressional super committee taught us, joint committees are paragons of effectiveness and cooperation — just ask our Chinese creditors.

A diamond to Manvir Singh ’12, whose book “Zoostalgia” features drawings of prehistoric species, for saying of his affinity for animals, “It’s cool that we cohabitate with these things.” That’s what we said about the mouse in our dorm. And our freshman-year roommate.

Coal to the University employee who called the ability to work out for free “one of the few bragging rights you get” for working at Brown. We hear at Harvard they get gym access and bragging rights for free.

Coal to the student from AMCV 1610A: “American Advertising: History and Consequences” who remarked, “It has blown my mind that people have managed to sell cancer sticks to other people.” If you have ever been to Josiah’s after 1 a.m. on a Saturday night, you would know it’s possible to sell just about anything in stick form.

A diamond to Richard Spies, executive vice president for planning and senior adviser to the president, who may write a book with President Ruth Simmons after he steps down from his post at the end of the calendar year. We can only hope that their book will include a chapter about the secret tunnels under Keeney Quadrangle and the underground passage leading to Hogwarts — we mean, University Hall.