There must be something in an ice cream shop’s scent that draws out surprising stories from its customers. Working behind the counter of one such shop last summer delivered both the treat of sweet substances and nourishing narratives. One Monday night a young couple, radiating support and appreciation for each other, shared with me the most memorable story I heard all summer. Finishing each other’s sentences, they described dating in secret at their high school for the mentally ill and living in separate housing through almost a decade of marriage. Because of their forced separation and limited transportation, they only see each other on Monday nights, riding the bus and meeting somewhere like my ice cream shop.
That couple’s marriage has a unique dedication in a culture in which nearly half of marriages are said to end in divorce. The devaluing of so-called stable and strong relationships can appear to be simply a generational issue, but we should ask why that generational gap exists. Recent history brims with opposition to patriarchal and heterosexual norms through the second-wave feminism movement and gay rights movement. Each has had tremendous success bringing all humans closer to fundamental rights and equality.
But somehow those movements, combined with our extremely partisan political climate, have brought us to our current moment of division between a progressive redefinition of relationships and traditional relationships. On one hand, there are stereotypes of free love and a hippie lifestyle, and on the other hand, the stereotypes of a nuclear, plastic family with a fetish for procreation. The two ideas are contradictory, yet they both have swaths of staunch supporters.
The divide is more extreme than ever in this political context. This election season in particular has seen the extreme left adopt the victory for gay marriage and the extreme right push the rhetoric of family values. Because millenials boast the greatest share of progressives of any generational group, politics and the generational difference in views toward marriage are deeply intertwined.
The technological revolution also divides generations, and it shapes all aspects of our interpersonal communication and relationships. Relationships are almost easier now — in a way, technology diminishes their value. A relationship that was birthed from or revolves around screens loses the connection that physical presence brings. Exposure to more mass media has large effects on relationships as well, ingraining certain expectations in peoples’ minds. Despite recent progress, social norms still emphasize a traditional view of relationships. Historically, that is nothing new. But the exposure we have to more people, the growing materialistic world and greater global pressures to conform are new. How are romantic relationships to achieve stability and mutual support if they are founded on a platform that focuses on the self and promotes illusion?
Stability in a relationship is valuable not because it follows a traditional, heterosexual model, but because stability is founded on honesty, which is founded in acceptance. In order to be honest, we must learn to accept others without reservation, regardless of gender and sexual identity. Women are still fighting for equality, and people of all sexualities are combating discrimination and injustice. As this fight continues, we are learning to accept equality, becoming more honest and in turn creating stability. That honest stability is ultimately needed to combat a high divorce rate, which reflects a focus on artificial family values that glosses over the deeper meaning of relationships.
Over winter break, the couple came back when I was working a Monday shift at the ice cream shop. Maybe because of a change in season or because of personal matters, they were not in the same gushing mood as they had been in the summer. They did not remember me, so I took the opportunity to ask about how they met just to hear their story again. Despite their decreased energy, they willingly obliged, conversing in the same naturally affectionate way, each filling in what the other missed and discovering new bits that they had forgotten over the years. Those years together illustrate the enduring nature of trust and acceptance in a non-traditional relationship.
Social and scientific advancements, essential in our cultural progression, have far-reaching effects in perhaps unexpected ways. As we progress, marriage — one of our most integrated institutions — will progress with us. As we move away from restricting expectations for gender and sexuality, we move away from restricting expectations for relationships. And if the Monday night couple is a representation of a nonconforming relationship, there is strength, stability and hope in that nonconformity.
Grace Johnson ’19 can be reached at grace_johnson@brown.edu. Please send responses to this opinion to letters@browndailyherald.com and other op-eds to opinions@browndailyherald.com.
