For many parents sending their children to college for the first time, striking the median between negligence and excessive care can be difficult.
Jaymi Chung P'09, who dropped off her daughter Ashley on Wednesday, said her daughter's need for space and identity in the coming months will have to be balanced with practicality. "I think you should get involved as much as you can," she said, because it is "very hard for students to be totally independent."
Universities encourage parents to step back from the level of support they gave their high schoolers in academic and living situations, but some parents say that the transition is complicated by emotional attachment and worry that their student isn't ready to handle difficult situations on their own.
Allowing children to be independent is "intellectually, absolutely necessary - urge folks into their own lives. Emotionally, it's very hard as a parent," said Hank Henighan P'09, whose daughter, Julia, is the oldest child in the family.
"The longer you wait to do it, the harder it must be," said Beth Henighan P'09.
According to the Associated Press, Colgate University has become so frustrated with especially overbearing parents - called "helicopter parents," they remain in constant contact with children and frequently call advisors and administrators - that the university has adopted a policy of trying to allow students to be as independent as they can. Colgate University administrators felt that students don't receive a complete education if their parents are constantly involved.
Other schools have adopted less exclusive methods for helping parents' transition, including orientations for parents, "parent bouncers" that act as a go-between for the student and the parents, and a lot of rhetoric about self-reliance.
Brown attempts to "empower the student," said Dean of the College Paul Armstrong. "We try to get the responsibility for dealing with issues to the student, which is where it should be."
"I think it's really important for parents to be involved, but also give students space," Armstrong said. The ideal role for parents, he said, is as "supportive critics - partners in advising."
"Always intervening, always stepping in - that's not going to help (students) become independent, self-directed learners." However, he added, "staying on the sidelines robs students of valuable perspective."
"I don't think parents should say to students, 'Take this course, otherwise the consequences will be...' That's not respecting your student's freedom," Armstrong said. But, he added, a parent accepting every choice a student makes is not ideal, either. Parents "need to probe and justify," he said.
"We say to students, come and craft your own education. You've got the freedom to do that." Faculty advisers and parents advising their children want students to be "able to account for choices," he said.
To help parents transition well, the University offers orientation programs designed to help parents become more effective. One of these, entitled "Letting Go, Saying Goodbye, and Learning to Live with a Brown Student: A Practical Guide for Parents," offered what Armstrong called "an idea how to keep in touch without being intrusive."
Margaret Klawunn, associate vice president of campus life and dean for student life, who headed the panel, started the session by asking questions of the parents. "How many (parents) are sad? Scared or apprehensive?" She called the move to college a "family adventure."
Carla Hansen, associate dean of graduate school and student life, said "parents are transitioning as well as students."
Assistant Director of Psychological Services Maria Suarez, also on the panel, echoed this thought. "You guys have had quite a hand making them extraordinary individuals." But now, she said, "they get the world, and you guys get to go back home."
"Some schools offer orientation for parents," Klawunn said, citing one university that has parents make teddy bears. "We have no transitional object to take home with you."
The panel encouraged parents to give their children space. "You gave them the freedom to explore their identity," Suarez reminded them.
At the same time, the panelists wanted parents to express their concerns as well. Suarez offered the Psychological Services phone number "if you have any concerns whatsoever about your children."
Klawunn suggested not calling the administration if a student hasn't called back in two hours, but "if it's been a while or you have a concern, do call."
Students on the panel simulated phone calls with their parents that illustrated different issues that students would need to deal with, such as changing concentrations, feeling socially awkward or alienated, homesickness, cultural differences and pressure from classes, and they also showed the humor of the situation. One panelist implored her imaginary father to please not put her on speakerphone, while another assured her father, "I'll still watch 'ER' and 'Scrubs' with you, I promise."
Klawunn added, "Brown students seem to maintain good relationships with their parents through high school and college."
Students on the panel agreed, saying that as their time at Brown progressed, their relationships with their parents became better. "I wouldn't let on that I was happy being called (by my parents), but I appreciated it," said Alicia Ridenour '06.
"It was true-to-life. There are different types of children, and different types of parents," said Sarita Saraf P'09, adding that she was "finding (the transition) very difficult" as she dropped her daughter, Sakhi Saraf '09, off at Brown. With her older daughter, she said, "I was crowding her, sometimes."
Students go through "a natural process of finding (their) own space," she continued. But, she added, "I'm going to do more of the calling. I'm going to succumb to motherhood."
"(The program) made me feel normal," Saraf said.
She liked one panelist's comment that what he needed to hear most from his mother was that she had confidence in him.
"I need to tell my daughter that she'll be fine - and really mean it. That's the hard part," she said. "I just want her to make the most of her opportunity here."
