On my most recent bi-annual run, I watched with sadness as a young woman whisked by on a bike. The moment was significant to me because I never graduated from training wheels. Tru story.
I fear failure and those who fear failure know better than to try. While it's too late for me to have a complete childhood, it's not too late for you. In order to close the final chapter in your childhood, though, you need to see these life-changing sports epics from our youth.
The Sandlot (1993): Why see it? "The Sandlot" encompasses what being a kid in the summer is all about: making friends, playing ball, getting into trouble and pretending to drown in order to get mouth to mouth from the smokin' hot life guard. Seeing "The Sandlot" will also make sense of a dozen commonly used references on ESPN, such as "He's got his PF Fliers on."
Most memorable character: Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez, the popular kid who was also a good leader.
Most memorable lines: 1. "I don't know. Some lady gave it to him. She even signed her name on it... Ruth, Baby Ruth." "Babe RUTH?!" 2. "You want a s'more?" "How can I have some more of something when I haven't had anything yet?" "You're killing me, Smalls!" 3. "You play ball like a GIIIIIIIRRRLLL!"
D2: The Mighty Ducks (1994):Why see it? The original was good (great?) but lacked the unique hockey talents of the cowboy, the figure skater, the kid who is fast but can't stop (known in most circles as Benny "The Jet" from Sandlot), Julie "The Cat" and the formation of the "Bash Brothers." "D2" made the shaving cream-while-sleeping trick famous and gave birth to "the other guy from Dawson's Creek." The best part of the movie, though, is that none of the kids really made it in Hollywood. Once in a blue moon, when the wind is blowing in from the West at just the right speed, you'll see one of the actors in some low budget commercial and you'll know that all is right in the world because Goldberg found some work.
Most memorable character: "D2" probably has the best peripheral characters of any sports movie ever, but the obvious choice is Keenan Thompson and his "knuckle puck."
Most memorable lines: 1. "Watch out boys, it's knuckle puck time!" 2. "Quack, quack, quack." 3. "They're bigger, they're stronger, they're faster... they have more facial hair."
Rookie of the Year (1993):Why see it? Kid trips, tweaks his arm allowing him to throw 100 mph fastballs, becomes a major league baseball player. It's two hours of every young boy's fantasy! There's no catch! It's pure awesomeness. It'd be like if the X-Men just walked around using their powers for fun and never needed to rescue anybody, or if Ari never screwed over Vince in "Entourage," or Preston Waters from "Blank Check" had taken $50,000,000.
Anyone who refers to Tara Reid's boyfriend in "American Pie" as anything other than "the kid from 'Rookie of the Year'" clearly didn't have a childhood.
Most memorable character: Henry Rowengartner, whose slow motion soft toss to strike out the last batter was my favorite ending to a sports movie ever.
Most memorable lines: 1. "You put the ice in the microwave... hot... ice!" 2. "Kid, how'd you like to play for the Cubs?" "Great, but I have to ask my mom first." 3. "Float it!"
Honorable Mention: "Little Giants," "Angels in the Outfield."
Now here are the childhood sports movies that you are probably regretting seeing or should continue to avoid:
D3: The Mighty Ducks:Why you should not see it: Wait, the Ducks go from champions of the world to the junior varsity squad in high school? It killed Emelio Estevez's career, don't let it kill your childhood. Whack, whack, whack.
The Air Bud Series:Why you should not see it: Because it's actually about a dog who plays sports in kids' leagues. Movies don't have to be realistic to be good, but they do have to not suck.
Little Big League:Why you should not see it: Before "Anaconda: Hunt for the Blood Orchid" copied "Anacondas," before "Armageddon" copied "Deep Impact" and well before "Walk the Line" tried to be "Ray" with white people, "Little Big League" tried to copy "Rookie of the Year." It didn't work. No 12-year-old wants to manage the Twins.
For every 1,000 people that read this article, Tom Trudeau will consider joining the Darfur Facebook group.
