I didn't want to think about baseball right now, let alone write about it, but then Tommy Lasorda reminded me that regardless of whether or not my team is still alive, I "live for this."
So what if A-Rod is a choke artist and Jaret Wright's fastball is straighter than Lance Bass in 1995? We pick ourselves up, remove Chien-Ming Wang as our Facebook picture, stop blasting the MLB on Fox theme song on repeat out our window on Wriston Quad and move on (Yeah, that was me ... my bad). Besides, this is a great opportunity for me to scout out the Yankees' next big free agent signing, Barry Zito.
ALCS: Detroit Tigers vs. Oakland AthleticsWhat to expect: The A's and Tigers are very similar teams in that each relies on dominant starting pitching and the occasional long ball offensively. Though Zito was rocked in game one on Tuesday, Esteban Loaiza, Rich Harden and Danny Haren should have no difficulty navigating a Tigers' lineup that consists almost entirely of free-swinging, right-handed bats.
The A's need to score their runs early and often, which will be difficult against Detroit's excellent starting pitching but not as difficult as scoring against the Tiger's bullpen. I have more of a chance with Scarlet Johansson than A's batters do against Joel Zumaya.
Key Players: Josh Hartnett, who I understand is currently dating Scarlet.
The Tigers' Curtis Granderson, Sean Casey and Carlos Guillen will have to produce at the plate to make up for the rest of the team's lineup, which is undisciplined and not as tough on right-handed pitchers.
All the starting pitchers will play a huge role in determining the outcome because falling behind early is not a good idea against either team.
Why Watch: Because the best drinking game ever (soda, obviously - at Brown we don't drink alcohol until we're 21) is "drink every time Zito is cute." It's nonstop drinking action. Also, Zumaya's fastball is unmatched in baseball. Check it.
Prediction: Cornell will be kicked out of the Ivy League, and half of the original copy of this column will be cut partly due to potentially offensive material but mostly due to irrelevancy. Oh, and the Athletics will take it in seven.
NLCS: New York Mets vs. St. Louis CardinalsWhat to expect: Hot-ish. Hmmmm, Cards are goin' down, down baby, Queens in a Range Rover. Straight sweep, baby - the Mets are already on a roll.
The Cardinals have a fighting chance in this series, but they'll need to win both games in which Chris Carpenter pitches if they hope to advance to the World Series. Shortstop David Eckstein plays hard, but that no longer makes up for the fact that he is an unproductive hitter and a below-average fielder. He has to do a better job of getting on base in front of Albert Pujols, who repeatedly came to the plate with no one on base in the division series against San Diego.
For the Mets, Carlos Beltran might be the best all-around player in baseball and has shown in the past that he can carry a team, but he likely won't need to because the Mets boast the NL's best lineup and will feast on the Cardinals' starters. New York is short on starting pitching, something it can overcome because it has one of the best bullpens in the league.
Key Players: Forget Pujols, all the Cardinals' hopes of winning lie with Carpenter. If he's off his game, the Mets will win easily. St. Louis' young closer Adam Wainwright and the rest of the Cards' bullpen will have to continue to be sharp, as Jeff Weaver, Anthony Reyes and Jeff Suppan can't be expected to go more than five or six innings at the most.
Carlos Delgado will be expected to produce against a Cardinals rotation that features no left-handed pitchers. His late-game match-ups against St. Louis' lefty relievers will be huge.
Why watch? You mean you don't want to know who will be playing for the right to lose to the AL team? Hmm ... let's see. Pujols hits the ball really far. The duel between Cards' catcher Yadier Molina and Jose Reyes will be very entertaining. Reyes' strength is his speed on the base paths, while Molina might be baseball's best defensive catcher.
Prediction: Eckstein will run out on the field before the last pitch of game seven and sack David Wright to the theme from "Rudy," then the Cardinals will win in seven. Wishful thinking? Probably, but the Cards have the slight edge with pitching (the Mets have no number one starter without Pedro Martinez), defense and fans that don't boo, all of which might be just enough to overcome New York's incredible offense, deep bullpen and the fact that New York is much cooler than all other cities in the world and produces smart, attractive and talented young men.
Tom Trudeau '09 wants Derek Jeter to know he's still the only man-crush in his life.
