It's almost November, which means that Michael Strahan and the New York Giants will no longer be the only people shouting "baallllinn'." But alas, the NBA preview can wait. Tonight I'll be following Game Three of the World Series in diary form. I'd like to thank ESPN's the Sports Guy for the inspiration for the idea, but that's all, because, unlike Bill Simmons, I can talk about college in the present tense instead of falsely pretending I'm still there. Also my friends have normal names. What kind of names are "House" and "Lampy"?
7:30 p.m. Joe Morgan is talking about "Dirtgate," and I actually agree with him for once. I don't get why no one seems to care about Kenny Rogers cheating. It reminds me of when Marge Simpson threatened to delete Bart's custom ring tones and no one seemed to mind that BART HAD A CELL PHONE. Really? Kenny Rogers cheated and no one cares?
7:51 Okay, I've spent the last 20 minutes coming up with this one. Next time Kenny Rogers attacks a cameraman, someone should say, "Hey Kenny, get a grip!" Hahaha. Take that, Rogers!
8:04 Commissioner Bud Selig was basically asked by Fox Sports' Ken Rosenthal, "How do you feel about Rogers cheating?" He promptly dodged the question with a juke move like Reggie Bush's from Madden NFL 07.
8:18 The Cardinals are now being introduced to some REALLY lame organ-based song that wouldn't sound out of place at a carnival. My roommate from St. Louis explains to me that "it's cool because it's traditional." ::Slowly ends friendship::
8:20 The Cards' right-fielder just got introduced. Man that guy is soooo Taguchi.
8:22 Trace Atkins, the "country superstar," is here to sing the national anthem. I'm watching with my buddies Horse and Lampshade, and none of us have ever heard of him. Country sucks.
8:43 David Eckstein is now 0-for-10 for the series. I see a lot of me in him... what with us both sucking at baseball and such.
8:46 I'm really excited for Jay-Z's comeback, but it reminds me too much of Jordan's (second) return. I was happy to have him back but was mostly worried that he'd suck and tarnish his legacy.
8:55 The "FOX Track," FOX's version of ESPN's "K-Zone" is busted out for the first time to help us see where each pitch lands. The graphic looks like a bad arcade game from the 1980s.
9:00 Here comes Yadier Pujols. Oops, I mean Molina. He's So Taguchi. Oops, I mean good. Okay, Taguchi means "good" for the rest of the column.
9:03 The umpire calls ball four a strike on Yadi, who promptly hits a foul ball off the left field umpire. Revenge is a dish best served with a baseball to the groin.
9:05 Finally our first Chevy commercial. Is it me or is this ad really offensive and exploitative? They show Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King, Jr., Hurricane Katrina, Dale Earnhardt's death, the Vietnam War and the World Trade Center. Combined with the cheesy song, "this is ourrr country," it really looks and sounds like something straight out of a South Park episode. I can just hear Trey Parker and Matt Stone writing the lyrics to the next verse, "Have ya' forgotten 'bout them tow-ers?"
9:15 When did "I mean" become an acceptable answer to a question? Example: "Do you think if pitchers worked more on hitting, they'd be better hitters?" "I meaaann..." "Word, me neither."
9:32 Ronnie Belliard is a Manny Ramirez clone. They're the same in every way, right down to not caring about baseball or their bodies. Speaking of Belliard, I really enjoyed the sign in the stands that said "Don't hit homeruns, go BelliYARD." I'm going to get so much mileage out of that one.
9:40 Jim Edmonds hit .156 off lefties in the regular season, and Nate Robertson held lefties to a .188 average. Therefore, ergo, vis-a-vis... Edmonds' RBI double to give the Cards a 2-0 lead was a statistical impossibility. That's what I love about the playoffs. They make no sense.
9:52 The pride of New Hampshire, Chris Carpenter, is shutting out the Tigers through five. He is so Taguchi at pitching.
9:53 The retro video games that Pharrell says he likes in the Hewlett-Packard commercial look just like the "Fox Track." Yizzerd?
10:01 Pujols chases a ball low and away and flies out. Every time he gets out I feel like I'm just finding out that Santa Claus doesn't exist for the first time.
10:07 Tim McCarver says of Robertson's 0-2 pitch on BelliYARD, "It juuust misses," a statement that is followed by "Fox Track" showing that the ball was literally too far inside to be represented on the screen.
10:20 Yadi Pujols hammers one in the gap for a two-bagger. He definitely gets his eyebrows done.
10:21 Here comes Joel Zumaya out of the bullpen. If I ever make a new beer, I'm naming it "Zumaya," and the slogan will be "It'll get ya' drunk faster than a 103 mile per hour fastball." I guess that doesn't really make sense, but nothing has since I learned the truth about Santa.
10:24 Another commercial for FOX's new show, "Til' Death," that show about how guys like steak, beer and sports and have funny voices.
10:35 What a Taguchi sliding catch by Taguchi. He is so Taguchi.
10:42 Eckstein vs. Zumaya just doesn't look fair. I think the umpire should give Eckstein the three-year-old treatment, "uh, strike two and three quarters."
10:43 Eckstein works a walk and makes me look really stupid. But then makes himself look stupid because he sprints down to first base whenever he draws walks.
10:47 Pujols grounds into a double play, except that instead of getting two outs, Zumaya acts like he's been drinking too much of my "Zumaya" juice and throws it into left field for a two run error. 4-0 Cards.
11:02 Pudge Rodriguez is not a very good baseball player anymore. He looks like an automatic out and has drawn only 37 walks since 2004.
11:07 "This is our country. If it wuzzent fer' Chevy trucks, we'd prolly still have sla-vuh-ree. Have ya' forgotten them tow-ers?" What a ridiculous freakin' commercial.
11:26 Pudge Rodriguez writhes in pain after a foul ball hits him under the protected area of his cup as "We Will Rock You" blasts from the loud speaker. ROFL. Owned.
11:29 I know the Tigers had a smokin' hot playoffs so far, but does anyone else feel like neither team is that good?
11:30 Wild pitch and a hit batsman on back-to-back pitches. It's now 5-0 St. Louis and I feel like I've been waiting for the Tigers to lose since the fourth inning.
11:37 Braden Looper and the Cards are one strike away from shutting out the Tigrettes.
11:38 Did you ever think St. Louis would be up 2-1 in the World Series? I mean...
Tom Trudeau '09 is glad Ross Trudeau '06 lacks the NCAA eligibility to share the column anymore.
