After a long day of football last Sunday, I decided the only way to cap it off would be with - you guessed it - more football. Here is my diary of Sunday night's New York Giants-Chicago Bears game.
7:39 - Tiki Barber is truly multi-talented. After starring in ESPN's inaugural "Cribs" rip-off, it's clear he could be a dentist, a fashion designer, a television personality or just a positive role model for metrosexuals. If only he had his brother Ronde's good looks.
7:49 - It's really unfair to make athletes comment on anything. These came up back to back: "We're 6-3, but we'd rather be 9-0, or 8-0 or whatever." And then, "When I see the end zone, you know, I just want to give that extra, um, 110 percent."
8:10 - Nothing gets me up for a football game like Pink rocking out on a background of digitally imposed sets.
8:12 - I don't care if Rex Grossman throws for six touchdowns tonight, he's still Rex Grossman, and he'll struggle against any team that can put consistent pressure on him. No one is happier that Osi Uminyora, Michael Strahan and LaVar Arrington are injured than Grossman.
8:20 - What happened to Giants Head Coach Tom Coughlin being the disciplinarian? A couple of years ago, Plaxico Burress' decision to call out the NFL's best defense before the game would have resulted in a "what is your major malfunction, soldier?" moment. Jeez, Tom, you're going soft in your old age.
8:23 - Game onnnn. One play and I already get to hear my favorite audible call in the NFL: Eli Manning's "OMAHA!" I have no idea what it means, but he says it in Madden NFL '07 too, and I have a feeling it has something to do with taking out the antitank emplacements in the secondary.
8:27 - Just over four minutes into the game and we get Manning's first airmail of the day. He's actually patented that move. Look it up, it's right after Bledsoe's patent for dumb goal-line interceptions.
8:31 - After a Jay Feely missed field goal, the Giants put pressure on Grossman and forced his first dumb throw of the night. This is going to be a fun subplot to watch as the game goes on: Manning's airmails versus Grossman's handing-the-ball-to-the-other-team move.
8:33 - The bane of all Tiki Barber fantasy owners, Brandon "Stealer-of-Tiki's-Touchdowns" Jacobs, rumbles in to make it 7-0 and then gets penalized for what appears to be pretending he's pregnant with the ball.
8:37 - The Sopranos commercial where they accuse me of knowing more about "The Family" than my family is really hitting home. I really do know more about them than I know about any of my cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents combined.
8:43 - Could Verizon Wireless have picked a less likable spokesperson than "the Network" guy a.k.a. "Can you hear me now?" guy a.k.a. "NERDDDD!! Hahaha, nice glasses, four eyes!" guy? Actually, yes, they could have chosen Steven A. Smith.
8:49 - Chicago cuts the Giants' lead to 7-3 after a field goal by Robbie Gould. Huge mismatch of kicker nicknames: "Gold" vs. "Touchy" Feely.
8:51 - Until recently, I only knew Alec Baldwin as that increasingly fat guy who always looks and sounds like he's overacting or parodying himself, but he's really funny in the "30 Roc" commercials.
9:04 - The Giants force a fumble, and John Madden astutely points out the Giants' new game plan of trying to force turnovers on defense. I guess before they just sort of reluctantly accepted turnovers when they happened, but now they're actually trying to force them. Fascinating. Thanks Madden.
9:07 - Early trends of holiday season: the last few years you didn't love your woman unless you bought her diamonds. Now women don't love men if they don't buy us cool stuff from Best Buy. I like where this is going.
9:20 - It's cool that NBC chooses to show Manhattan and Yankee Stadium like the New York Giants actually play in New York, but come on, they play in East Rutherford, N.J. It would make more sense to show New Jersey-ish stuff, like... you know, gardens or something.
9:30 - The Giants execute the old lose-a-fumble-and-then-force-another-fumble-in-the-same-sequence-to-get-it-back play, just like they practiced it on Thursday.
9:55 - Chicago's Mark Bradley snags a 29-yard bomb to pull within 13-10 right before the half. I think this is what it might feel like if, after a successful three-hour date, right before going in for a goodnight kiss, you get struck down by lightning. Maybe something slightly less disastrous, like a nosebleed, but that was quite a quick reversal of fortune.
10:16 - I know what Madden is trying to say when he speaks, but come on John, concentrate. "Well you talk about momentum ... and uh (incoherent mumbling) they had it and the (incoherent mumbling) running ... and uh, WHAM (uncontrollable laughter)!"
10:24 - Yessss! Peyton Manning is in not one but two new commercials. "They're not saying 'Boo,' they're saying 'Moooo-vers.'" Haha. Whatever you say, Peyton. Whatever you say.
10:31 - It really looked like the Giants were playing a soft deep zone on Mushin Muhammed's touchdown catch inside the 10-yard line; 17-13 Bears. Speaking of Muhammed, wasn't he the star receiver on the 1995 Carolina Panthers? He's still gettin'r dun, but football years are a lot like doggy years, which means he has about as much time left as the old lady from "Titanic" did in 1997.
10:34 - Ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod! I'm so freakin' excited for "Casino Royale." I'm going to order my Coke at the theatre "shaken, not stirred." Tru story.
10:40 - Chicago takes a 24-13 lead.
10:46 - Jacobs steals Barber's second TD of the game to make it 24-20.
11:09 - The Bears tie an NFL record on a 108-yard missed field goal return to make it 31-20.
11:17 - Manning throws another sailer which gets picked off. Game over.
Tom Trudeau '09 could be a dentist, a fashion designer, a television personality or just a positive role model for metrosexuals - if only he had his brother's good looks.
