The NBA All-Star weekend is probably the only All-Star experience I enjoy. We've been treated to Mariah Carey (when she was still really hot/not crazy) in her skin-tight Michael Jordan jersey-dress. We get a chance to see the young studs of the league in the Rookie-Sophomore Game. There's the always-entertaining dunk contest, and then there's usually at least one really great quarter of basketball in the actual All-Star game. This year, however, was a giant disappointment.
The Celebrity GameI was pretty excited until I realized that no one was going to kick the crap out of Bow Wow and that Michael Clarke Duncan couldn't dunk. Also, it would be nice if I had heard of some of the "celebrities" that played in the game. I guess I should just watch more Food Network and pay more attention to the male actors on those ABC primetime shows about how much makeup 30- and 40-year-olds need to look like they're 20.
The Charles Barkley-Dick Bevetta RaceOnce again, I had high hopes for this, but it quickly became painful to watch once it started and everyone realized that the 67-year-old man wasn't going to beat the 43-year-old fat former professional athlete. I think I was laughing, but only because I was trying to convince myself that it wasn't sad that Bevetta's knee was bleeding. Still, this could easily have been the highlight of the weekend.
The Rookie-Sophomore GameThis is the worst rookie class since 2000, so you knew coming in it wasn't going to be a good game, but if I wanted to see players dunking at will in a blowout I could just play NBA 2K7 with my suitemates. (Side note: I am the best 2K7 player in the entire world. I'm not kidding. I am better than the 30-year-old nerd who sits naked in his mom's basement and has no life. If you think you can beat me, send me an e-mail and bring it on.) I would like to give a shout-out to my main man, who? David Lee, baby. Lee went 15-for-15 from the floor en route to winning the game's MVP.
Skills CompetitionYou know it's a bad competition when it's taboo to actually try. This reminded me of middle school when I'd play basketball with girls just to flirt with them and any guy who exerted any effort beating the girls would get made fun of. Can't Kobe at least pretend he cares about winning the $35,000 prize?
Three-Point ShootoutWhere are Ray Allen, Luther Head, Kyle Korver and Kevin Martin? Oh right, they're making room for Damon Jones.
Dunk ContestMichael Jordan has turned into a grumpy, jealous old man. He and the rest of the judges completely stiffed Dwight Howard on the most ridiculous dunk of the night when he placed a sticker 12 feet 6 inches high on the backboard before throwing one down. Tyrus "Pay Me" Thomas may as well have not come and Nate "Wanna Fight?" Robinson finally got his comeuppance by getting screwed by the judges. At least Gerald Green put on a show. Still, the dunk contest (along with the And 1 Mix Tape) is everything that's wrong with American basketball - all style and no substance. I can't wait for the country to realize we aren't the best anymore at team basketball.
The All-Star GameBefore the game, TNT analyst Doug Collins warned us that the game would start off slowly because everyone wants to be so unselfish. Someone must have forgotten to tell that to the East team. They came out shooting contested threes (Arenas was 2-of-7) and hoisting up long fade-away jumpers, which made the game barely watchable. Shaq looks like he's not far away from being an average starting center, and I'm not sure how Caron Butler finished 1-of-7 in a game with no one playing defense. Shawn Marion was praised the entire game for cherry picking ("he just always seems to be the fastest down the court"), while Tim Duncan further cemented his status as the least exciting superstar to watch.
It wasn't entirely bad, though. Amare Stoudemire and Dwight Howard are redefining the center position. Stoudemire, the Knicks' seventh overall draft pick in the - wait, I forgot they traded their pick for Antonio McDyess. Anyway, Stoudemire was running the floor, dishing the rock, driving for reverse layups, swishing jumpers and dunking over everyone, and Dwight Howard looks like the biggest athletic freak I've ever seen in the NBA. Also, Tony Parker gave the rest of the world the chance to stare at Eva Longoria during those cutaways to her in the crowd. And that's before I get to seven-footer Chris Bosh, who moves like a wingman but has sick nasty post moves and range out to the three-point line.
Until next time, sports world. You keep doing your thing and I'll continue to point out your flaws and shortcomings. Love, Tom.
Tom Trudeau '09 is serious about the 2K7 challenge.
