I'm a bit rusty, but I'm hoping writing columns will be just like riding a bike if I had actually ever learned how to ride a bike. But what to write about? The National Patriots and Colts League, err, rather the NFL, is pretty uninspiring this year. Major League Baseball died for me the moment I saw Jeff Francis throw his junk balls to Red Sox hitters. I think the NHL season started several weeks ago, but I'm not going to pay attention to that sport until the Rangers are in the Stanley Cup Finals, at which time I'll make pink hat-wearing, post-'04 Sox fans feel like die-hards compared to my bandwagonry. Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is, let's talk about some pre-season basketball, baby.
I don't mean to brag, but in addition to being a level six Halo slayer, I'm also something of a soothsayer. I once predicted a Scott Brosius home run off Pedro Martinez. Do you know how unlikely that is? His name rhymes with atrocious! The following things will happen in the 2007-2008 NBA season:
The San Antonio Spurs will make the playoffs. I know, I know, it's crazy! I just think the Ime Udoka signing could put them over the top. Plus Tony Parker has to be pissed about watching all those episodes of Desperate Housewives to support Eva "Longboria" Parker. You know, since she had to go to all those incredibly fun nationally televised games, in which her husband's team almost always won and indirectly gave her millions of dollars worth of free self-promotion and invaluable publicity.
LeBron James will win the MVP award, fueled by the hatred for his situation. He grew up a fan of the Cowboys, Bulls and Yankees, so I think it's safe to assume he's something of a front-runner. How long will it be before he realizes that Cleveland is an incredibly boring city, Eric Snow is still the starting point guard, the second option's name is Boobie and the Cavs are going nowhere even if he is the best player in the world? I just hope he's a Denzel fan so that if he gets really pissed off there's a chance he'll say "I'm LeBron James! King Kong ain't got nothin' on me!"
The Boston Celtics will not reach the NBA Finals. They have the big names, but trust me as a Yankee and (former) Ranger fan, that will only get you so far. There's a lot to like about the team - Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce and Ray Allen are all still great players even if they've slipped since their prime and Rajon Rondo is an absolute nightmare for other teams on the defensive end. However, the coach is still Doc Rivers, they'll struggle to stay healthy and their bench is thinner than Keira Knightly in the morning.
General managers will continue to be gun shy about making smart trades. What's the over/under on mutually beneficial trades that should happen but don't? Ten? Twelve? More? Last season the trade deadline came and went with, among others, Jermaine O'Neal (still wasting away in Indy), Jason Kidd and Vince Carter (ditto in New Jersey) and Rashard Lewis (left Seattle uncompensated) staying put. When are GMs going to learn when to wave the white flag, cut their losses, sell high and improve their future? Imagine how much Philly could have gotten if they had traded Allen Iverson before it became obvious that he was declining. How many more assets could the Wolves have acquired for Garnett if they had traded him two seasons ago? The counter argument, that stars put fans in the seat, is ridiculous. You know what appeals to fans of losing teams even more than star players? Winning games. Crazy pills, man, crazy pills.
The Bulls will reach the NBA Finals. Apologies to the aforementioned C's, The Cleveland LeBrons and "De-troit-bask-et-balll." The Bulls were the unluckiest team in the NBA last year, failing to approach their Pythagorean win-loss record of 59-24, which is a fancy way of saying I know more about basketball than you because my brother has ESPN Insider. In addition to adding Aaron Gray and Joakim Noah in the draft, Chicago figures to see improvements from most of the team's key contributors, such as Ben Gordon, Luol Deng, Kirk Hinrich, Ty Thomas, Thabo Sefolosha, Chris Duhon, and Michael Jordan. Haha, I'm just kidding... I know Chris Duhon isn't a key contributor.
Eddy Curry and Zach Randolph will terrorize the league. Insert joke about donuts here. Seriously though, they're going to score a lot of points. It's too bad they can't guard anyone and the Knicks will once again be watching ping-pong balls when the season ends... and not the good kind in theatres starring Christopher Walken, I'm talking about the bad kind with awkward interviews done by Stuart Scott and obnoxious analysis from Stephen A.
Brian Scalabrine will try really, really hard. And still be the worst player in the entire NBA. Here Brian, have another Tommy point, courtesy of the New England Sports Network.
Tom Trudeau '09 can dunk on his 7-foot hoop at home.
