Daydreams from the sporting world

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Rather than complain about the ineptitude that is Isiah Thomas, pretend to care about college football (they’re still using the BCS, wtf, mate?) or write about the Patriots’ league, aka the NFL, I’d like to take this opportunity to share some of my most common sports daydreams. I know we all have them, so here are mine.

Daydream No. 1: I am an 80 percent 3-point shooter from anywhere within 30 feet. I can be fading away, with a man in my face, but as long as I don’t get blocked I drain 4-of-5 every single time. Anything more than 80 percent somehow ruins the daydream, because it seems too unrealistic, which is ridiculous considering the best 3-point shooters connect on around 40 percent of their attempts. The part of the daydream that is fun is trying to decide if my sharp shooting would make up for my lack of average athleticism, let alone NBA athleticism, which would make me the biggest liability in NBA history at every other aspect of basketball. Would I ever be able to get a shot off without being blocked with Ron Artest chasing me around screens? Would I average less than 15 turnovers per game with Chris Paul stealing the ball every time I put it on the floor? Would my team ever make a defensive stop with me trying to defend Allen Iverson?

Daydream No. 2: This is a bit twisted, but I only think about it once a week, I swear. I become David Ortiz for a day. I invite Tom Brady, Kevin Garnett and, recently, Clay Buchholz to dinner – on me. The only variation on the dream is the means by which I effectively end all of their playing careers. Before going to jail for life, I admit, still as Ortiz, to juicing since 2004 and I implicate Curt Schilling as a user as well. Then I lob hand grenades around an empty Fenway Park just to piss off Larry Lucchino and then I become myself again.

Daydream No. 3: I am Phil Hughes, only I don’t get traded to the Twins for Johan Santana, and I pitch using the controls from MVP Baseball 2004 for the Xbox. So rather than actually throwing a ball, I simply use a remote control. I doubt many people have ever played MVP Baseball 2004, but let’s just say you can paint corners like Bob Ross in his prime. It’s almost impossible to miss your spots and your breaking balls have the same tight spin on them every time. I would likely win Cy Youngs as long as my fingers can stay healthy and break every record known to man. I could also be the ultimate headhunter/protector of my teammates, with the power to drill an opposing batter anywhere on his head – I mean body.

Daydream No. 4: I am not a huge tool. I don’t know who the Golden State Warriors selected with their second round pick in 2001. I get back hundreds of hours of my life that I wasted playing Madden, Gameday, NFL 2k, NFL Blitz, NBA Live, NBA Jam, NBA Street, NBA 2k, NHL ’95, NHL 2k, Wayne Gretzky Hockey, Ken Griffey Jr. Baseball, All-Star Baseball, Baseball Simulator 2000, MVP Baseball, Tiger Woods, Waylay Country Club Golf, Mario Golf, Virtua Tennis, Top Spin and Mario Tennis.

Tom Trudeau ’09 can make 18 percent of his 3-point attempts.

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