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Diamonds and coal

Friday, March 14, 2008

Coal to Assistant Professor of Biology Casey Dunn. Just when we thought we knew everything about the evolutionary history of ctenophores, you had to come along and prove us wrong.

A diamond to medical students for getting the Friedman Study Center to open at 8 a.m. on weekends. We’re surprised you can get up that early after the blood-soaked, drug-filled bacchanalia that is Date-a-Doctor.

Coal to Abilene Christian University students who complained that the university’s giving iPhones to incoming freshman was un-Christian. We would’ve given you a diamond, but we remembered what Jesus said: “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” (Matthew 19:24)

To Dean of the College Katherine Bergeron and her chanting, a diamond – or anything, actually, to make it stop.

Coal to Evan Donahue ’11, who made more than $20,000 by creating weapons such as the “Souls of the Damned Summoning Crystal” for the virtual world of Second Life. It’s definitely not as cool as our “Headlines from Hades Thrower of Flame.” Pwned! You’re such a n00b!

A sly, under-the-table diamond to the Brown Concert Agency. Hey – it’s cheaper than the going rate on Craig’s List.

A cubic zirconium to the study abroad students who pick up a certain new habit overseas. We’d give you a coal, but you’d probably just smoke it.

Coal to the grad student who may have found a way to reduce the temptation to drink alcohol.

A cubic zirconium to the student who was punched in the face by an angry woman after she rollerbladed alone to Kennedy Plaza at 9 p.m. Um, haven’t you heard of safeROLLERBLADETOKENNEDYPLAZAALONEAT9PM?

A posthumous diamond to former President Henry Wriston, who told admission officers not to admit anyone “who had been denied admission elsewhere.” If he were still around, a certain “independent” publication wouldn’t be. (P.S. We’re ready to kick(ball) your asses.)

Coal to the elm tree on the Front Green that fell during the weekend, crushing the art sculpture and hobbit home. Now where will Donahue live?

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