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DPS removes Yankee from Buxton

By
Tuesday, April 1, 2008

The following summary includes all major incidents reported to the Department of Public Safety between March 29 and March 30. It does not include general service and alarm calls, and it carefully omits any incident that might generate negative publicity for the University or DPS. The Providence Police Department also responds to incidents occurring off campus. DPS does not divulge information on open cases that are currently under investigation by the department, PPD or the Office of Student Life, except in extreme cases of bribery. DPS maintains a daily log of all shift activity and general service calls which can be viewed during galactic equinox, when Mars is rising, at its headquarters at 75 Charlesfield St.

Saturday, March 29

1:50 p.m. An Undergraduate Council of Students whistle-blower reported that he had observed Undergraduate Council of Students members attempting to gain votes through intimidation, blackmail and outright bribery. DPS determined that no one cares about UCS and did not investigate the matter further.

3:56 p.m. Officers were dispatched for a report of an American student inside Buxton House. He was removed without incident.

7:16 p.m. Officers were dispatched for a report of students acting suspiciously on the Quiet Green. As officers approached the green, they could hear students questioning whether Big Bird from Sesame Street was actually a giant talking bird and not just a man in a costume. Officers determined the students were high and left them alone.

7:45 p.m. A student reported feeling very awkward while attempting to defecate in a gender-neutral bathroom. The matter has been turned over to the Office of Student Life.

11:58 p.m. A Facilities Management staff member reported hearing what sounded like the pangs of intimacy coming from inside a classroom in the Center for Information Technology. Officers knocked and found a group of CS students playing Risk. Officers had a good laugh at their expense.

Sunday, March 30

3:10 p.m. A student reported that the barbecue chicken in the kosher section of the Sharpe Refectory tasted suspiciously delicious. Upon arriving at the scene, officers determined it was pork. DPS detectives are investigating.

4:01 p.m. Officers were dispatched at the request of the Providence Police Department to assist in dispersing student anti-war protesters that refused to leave the National Guard recruiting office. Officers attempted to inform them that the Vietnam War had already ended, but the students insisted on being arrested. DPS proceeded to take them into custody and beat them senselessly.

4:32 p.m. Two students got into a fight after one of them dismissed the other’s film as “provincial” and “typical white-male cinema” in the Modern Culture and Media Building. The case has been turned over to Student Life.

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