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Diamonds and Coal

Diamonds and Coal, 9/25/09

By
Friday, September 25, 2009

A diamond to the University’s decision to offer flu vaccines at Jo’s. It’s sure to be the most popular menu addition since mozzarella sticks, although we’ll all have to be more careful when ordering our spicies “with.” Hypodermic needles aren’t as tasty as cheese.

That said, coal for choosing the wrong dining venue. Attempting to inoculate students who have spent the night making out with strangers at Fish Co. is probably a waste, and if we had to bet on a place to catch swine flu, it would be the Ratty. (We hear Polynesian Pork Piglets have been banned in at least 10 countries since the pandemic started.)

A cubic zirconium to David Coolidge ’01, the University’s new Muslim chaplain, who told The Herald that he found his faith as an undergrad in Grad Center. While we admire your positive attitude, those faint, angelic voices telling you how right your new path felt were probably just your upstairs neighbors having sex.

Coal to Hope High School, which recently reorganized itself for the second time in four years. In case you haven’t seen the polls lately, “Hope” and “change” isn’t half the winning combination it used to be.

A cubic zirconium to author and activist Sherry Wolf, who suggested that researchers looking for a “gay gene” would better spend their time trying to “find a gene for warmongering assholes.” You’re on the right track, but why stop there? If we found the gene for authors-slash-activists, more people might one day get real jobs.

A sympathetic diamond to local small-business owners, who have banded together as part of a campaign to encourage people to spend at least $50 a month at their three favorite local businesses. That’s almost what the state legislature is considering, as long as you count the municipality of Providence as your first, second, and third favorite businesses.

Coal to the planners of yesterday’s “consensual sex” rally, Wednesday’s annual corn-shucking competition and Monday’s climate change “flash mob” for missing a golden opportunity to collaborate. Next year around this time we expect to see dozens of Brown students converging on the Main Green for a nice, spontaneous, consensual shuck.

A diamond to the FDA for banning clove cigarettes earlier this week, to the chagrin of hipsters everywhere. As if the Indy’s four-game losing streak weren’t reason enough for them to be jittery before our kickball showdown this weekend.

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