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Diamonds and Coal, Nov. 19

Friday, November 19, 2010

A diamond to the Admission Office for finally switching from paper applications to online material. It’s about time you caught up with the technological advancements made by the porn industry.

A diamond to Cosa Nostra. Though it replaced Meeting Street pizzeria Via Via IV, insiders tell us that it will be “the same type of business.” As long as it’s all in the family!

Coal to Dean of the College Katherine Bergeron’s “fireside chat” with UCS. Great — now we can’t stop picturing FDR with big hoop earrings.

Diamond to the taekwondo team for taking home top honors at a regional competition last month. But coal to the student who said joining the team was “definitely the best decision I’ve made freshman year.” Talk about damning with faint praise.

Cubic zirconium to the alum who helped rescue the trapped Chilean miners. We thought it was too soon for diamonds or coal.

Diamond to the student who had his “virgin Word! experience” at the Friendship Cafe. You should check out the Friendship-With-Benefits Cafe.

Cubic zirconium to the researcher who spent over 7,000 hours of her life meditating and wondered if that time could have been better spent on other pursuits. Having spent similar hours at The Herald, we can tell you nothing is worth it. Nothing.

Coal to Loko-hating officials for insinuating we can’t handle four beers plus caffeine. You’ve obviously never spent time in a newsroom. And on that note, a diamond to tonight’s Herald Banquet.

“Diamonds and Coal” is written by Herald staff. Write your own at

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