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Diamonds and Coal

Diamonds and Coal

By
Friday, February 4, 2011

A diamond to the University, for tracking down a priceless Civil War-era sword stolen from the AnnMary Brown Memorial in the 1970s. Even if we don’t let ROTC back on campus, we’ll still be able to defend ourselves if RISD ever invades.

 

A diamond to Professor of Medical Science Barry Connors, who said “everyone’s getting squeezed” in his field. Your field sounds a lot like a Herald Happy Hour.

 

A cubic zirconium to the alum who said she and her friends all signed up for an existentialism class Thursdays at 1 p.m. to recap Wednesday nights at the Fish Company. We’re sure there’s something profound to be said about that, but we are way too hung over to figure out what.

 

Coal to the registrar, who bumped 380 students from POLS 1510: “Great Powers and Empires” after 680 people enrolled. The last time this many students suddenly found themselves with nothing to do on a Wednesday night was — well, when Fish Co. closed.

 

A diamond to the students studying abroad in Egypt who safely evacuated to the Czech Republic then home to the United States. With so many students still upset over the University’s decision to charge full Brown tuition for foreign programs, maybe every study abroad experience should include a free trip to Prague.

 

Coal to Private Investigator Pat Brosnan, who explained his employee didn’t intend to intimidate former Assistant Wrestling Coach Mike Burch when she called him from a blocked number by saying she “wanted to convey to him that there was no ulterior motive to the extent that she thought that this would be helpful to him to understand in some way.” That doesn’t help us understand in any way.

 

A cubic zirconium to the naked donut runner who defended the run by saying, “We’re not handing out drugs — we’re handing out donuts.” We just thought of an idea for a new naked run.

 

Coal to students locking bicycles to handrails rather than bike racks, who caused — according to Director of Disability Support Services Catherine Axe — a blind student to injure herself. We had a feeling the hipster trend of buying vintage fixed-speeds was detrimental to society, but now we know exactly how.

 

Coal to the Rhode Island General Assembly, for considering mandating that Halloween fall on a Saturday every year, rather than Oct. 31. You can’t do that.

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