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Diamonds and Coal

Diamonds and Coal, April 8

Friday, April 8, 2011

A cubic zirconium to the student who said his shift at the Sharpe Refectory “passed a lot more quickly” during Sunday’s campus power outage. That’s not the only thing that passes a lot more quickly when you’ve been at the Ratty.


Coal to the Brown Concert Agency’s ticketing website, which malfunctioned during the Spring Weekend rush for the 248th consecutive year. BCA blamed the site’s performance on “malicious software.” Isn’t Malicious Software Friday’s opener?


A cubic zirconium to the student who said that after taking Adderall he became a “highlighter robot.” Isn’t Highlighter Robot Saturday’s opener?


A diamond to Director of Athletics Michael Goldberger, who, at Wednesday’s “topping off” ceremony for the new fitness and aquatics center, dramatically declared, “No longer will our cardio equipment be in the hallway or in the corner of the gym.” You shall not crucify mankind upon a cross of stairmasters.


A diamond to the first-year fencer who said of the NCAA championships, “I didn’t get last, so that’s good.” That’s also Brown’s approach to the U.S. News and World Report ranking.


Coal to women’s lacrosse Head Coach Keely McDonald, who said, “Lacrosse is a game of runs, and we definitely need to respond to those and step up as a unit.”  We don’t want to hear about your runs or your unit.


A cubic zirconium to Colombian President Juan Manuel Santos P’12, who told students, “Go South and go soon. Don’t miss the train.” Thanks for the tip, but when Brown students head South on a train they’re going to Columbia, not Colombia.


A cubic zirconium to lawyer and journalist Glenn Greenwald, who told students in Salomon 001 last night that civil liberties are “nothing more than the list of things the government is not allowed to do.” But what’s the government’s safe word?


A diamond to the University’s newly-named 11th provost, Mark Schlissel, whom President Ruth Simmons described Tuesday as “warm and approachable,” as well as, “articulate, persuasive and scholarly-looking.” We have plenty of questions about Schlissel’s plans for the job, but the first thing we want to know is, is he single?


And finally, 2,115 diamonds to the 2,115 applicants admitted last week to the class of 2015. Your class is more selective, smarter, more accomplished, more diverse and better-looking than any that has come before it. But hey, at least we got to go to Fish Co.

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