As the basketball season winds down and we head into the final week of the year, the playoff picture has begun to take shape. There are only a few seeds up for grabs in the end-of-season scramble — the bottom of both conferences, a battle for third seed in the West between the Dallas Mavericks and the Oklahoma City Thunder and a fight for the second seed in the East. My main prediction: The Boston Celtics will be the No. 2 seed. Why? Because I said so. Suck it, Miami Heat.
Having settled that, how about a quick preview of each of my predicted playoff series, complete with affectionate nicknames?
Bulls-Pacers or the ‘What happens if your nana fights Manny Pacquiao?' series
The likely league most valuable player with the best bench in the National Basketball Association versus the only playoff team with a losing record? What could possibly go wrong?
A lot. Darren Collison versus Derrick Rose? Ouch. Tyler Hansbrough versus Carlos Boozer? That's just mean. I know Hansbrough and company have been playing well as of late, and Danny Granger is one of the most dangerous scoring threats in the league, but there is no way this ends well for the Indiana Pacers. Get your brooms out: Chicago Bulls in four.
Series Highlight: Omer Asik dunking so viciously on Josh McRoberts that McRoberts begins openly weeping.
Celts-Knicks or the ‘How to infuriate Spike Lee and disprove a rivalry' series
I can just see New York Knicks fans' hackles rising. Come on, guys. Seriously, come on. Jared Jeffries starts. It's bad enough that he dresses and actually gets minutes, but he starts. Now, you guys will go out during that big 2012 offseason and pick up Chris Paul or Dwight Howard and everything will be grand. But right now? No.
Chauncey Billups is so washed up that he keeps a volleyball named Wilson in his locker. The Celtics are the defending Eastern Conference champs and have home-court advantage.
On the other side of the coin, Sasha Pavlovic, Troy Murphy and Carlos Arroyo get minutes off of Boston's bench, so I suppose there is always hope.
It will be your time soon, Knicks fans, just not this year: Celtics in five.
Series Highlight: Kevin Garnett's ejection and ban from the remainder of the playoffs for throwing Spike Lee into the upper deck of Madison Square Garden following one of Spike's heckles.
Heat-Sixers or the ‘How to thoroughly destroy a young team's confidence' series
The Philadelphia 76ers are one of the league's best stories. An up-and-coming young team that has turned things around and appears primed to make noise in the playoffs. This is a team that is soaring like an eagle right now.
And is about to splatter against the brick wall of the Heat.
I hate the Heat, I really do, but LeBron James and Dwyane Wade in the playoffs? Together? Playing playoffs minutes? That's not so good.
The Heat are 3-0 against the Sixers, and I don't see a lot changing: Heat in five.
Series Highlight: Chris Bosh being told after the Heat win the series that there are actually more games after the first round of the playoffs.
Magic-Hawks or the ‘Wait, we're sure the Hawks are our No. 5 seed?' series
Dwight Howard spent the offseason working out with Hakeem Olajuwon. Joe Johnson spent the offseason getting paid. That's pretty much what you need to know about this series.
The Orlando Magic is a better team than it was last season. They got back the identity that took them to the 2009 Finals, and even though no one but Howard defends, they can still stroke the three-ball. Oh, and they jettisoned ball hog Vince Carter.
What's that? They got Gilbert Arenas? Well, that was just to dump Vince's and Rashard Lewis' bogus contracts. And they actually use him? So they really don't want to make it to the conference finals, huh?
It will be really interesting to see what excuse the Atlanta Hawks come up with to evaporate from the playoffs this year: Magic in five.
Series Highlight: Johnson showing up to the press conference after the Hawks series loss dressed as Rich Uncle Pennybags from the Monopoly board game: "Yeah, it was a tough loss, but I just picked up the Reading Railroad!"
Spurs-Grizzlies or the ‘Wait, the Grizzlies actually took them to six?' series
The San Antonio Spurs are in a bit of a slump and the Memphis Grizzlies is actually a very wily team. Marc Gasol can do some dirty things down low, and that will probably be the only time you hear that phrase outside of an adult film review. Tony Allen is one of the best defenders in the game, and I expect them to stick him on Manu Ginobili to curb the Spurs' scoring.
Long story short, the Grizzlies will steal a game or two, but the Spurs have Tim Duncan and Gregg Popovich, and they are pretty good at winning: Spurs in six.
Series Highlight: Tony Parker being a last-second scratch from Game 3 after he could not find one of the Grizzlies' spouses to sleep with the previous night. It really threw off his pre-game routine.
Lakers-Hornets or the ‘How to crush Sam Sheehan's heart' series
I've made no secret of my enormous man crush on Paul. Any superstar who can lose the most important aspect of his game — his speed following his knee injury — and totally change his playing style to remain the best at his position has accomplished the most impressive feat in basketball.
That's why, as his New Orleans Hornets limp into the postseason and into the jaws of the hated Los Angeles Lakers, it will be borderline unwatchable for me. The Lakers is the best team in the NBA right now. The Horn-dogs are marching right into the meat grinder.
The contraction or relocation looming over the Hornets only adds to this series' grim "300"-esque tone. Paul leads his mighty Spartan warriors into certain doom, but he knows it is his duty — that he must do this.
Godspeed, Paul. Maybe you can show the world that a man who fashions himself a god — Kobe Bryant — can bleed too: Lakers in four.
Series Highlight: Paul leading the Hornets out of the locker room before game four in Spartan helms and capes before declaring to the mostly empty New Orleans Arena, "This is NOLA!"
Mavs-Blazers or the ‘Man, those mavs can't buy a playoff win' series
Yeah, I said it. I like the Portland Trail Blazers. Wesley Matthews has been great when Brandon Roy can't play, Marcus Camby is a great center, Gerald Wallace was a fantastic pickup and LaMarcus Aldrige has been a monster for this team.
The Mavericks are in the middle of a slide, and while Dirk Nowitzki is always a beast and Tyson Chandler is playing great defense, I can't shake that this will be the Blazers' series. My bold prediction: Blazers in six.
Series Highlight: The Blazers going more than 17 minutes without anyone's knee exploding.
Thunder-Nuggets or the ‘Wow' series
This will be the best series by far. The Denver Nuggets are a hot upset pick ever since the team seemingly came together after the Carmelo Anthony trade. The Nuggets are a lot like the 2004 Detroit Pistons that won it all. No real superstars — just everyone buying into what's going on. On the other side of the coin, the Thunder is a great team with superstar power and some fantastic role players. Russell Westbrook is a fantastic talent but can be a bit of a ball vacuum, so we'll see if he hooks up scoring leader teammate Kevin Durant with the ball down the stretch.
Settle in, ladies and gentlemen. This is going to be a good one: Thunder in seven.
Series Highlight: Durant's face when he realizes halfway through game seven that Kenyon Martin is the best player on the team that is giving the Thunder so much trouble.
Sam Sheehan '12 would li
ke to remind the Boston Red Sox that April Fool's day was over a week ago. The joke of having John Lackey start games isn't funny anymore. Talk sports with him at sam_sheehan@brown.edu or follow him on Twitter @SamSheehan.
