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Diamonds and Coal

Diamonds and Coal, April 22

Friday, April 22, 2011

Coal to Diddy, who showed up to perform at Spring Weekend 15 years too late.

Diamonds to the Pawtucket and Woonsocket school committees, which, after learning their districts would receive more money under Rhode Island’s new school funding formula, sued the state because it’s not enough new money. Actually, our lawyers are advising us to think twice before giving you those diamonds.

A cubic zirconium to Mark Baumer GS, who teaches a section of LITR 0110A: “Fiction I” and also said, “When I’m ready to wither and die, that’s when I’ll be a teacher.” We told ourselves the same thing about making a newspaper.

A diamond to the North Kingston caregiver who said of medical marijuana, “If it’s one dollar, it’s too expensive.” We want to buy from the same guy you do.

107 diamonds to Beatrice Coleman ’25, who celebrated her 107th birthday Wednesday with students and faculty at Fox Point. Not to show you up, but there are several Brown students who were feeling at least 110 by the end of Spring Weekend.

Coal to the Athletics Review Committee, which recommended cutting the varsity wrestling, fencing and ski teams yesterday. Remember, the fencers have swords. If you cut them, they might cut you back.

A cubic zirconium to the Providence College Reserve Officers’ Training Corps instructor who said, “We’re trying to build leaders, not killing machines.” To be fair, that’s only because Lockheed Martin builds the killing machines for you.

A diamond to Providence Police Chief Col. Dean Esserman, who will keep his job despite reports of unpopularity within his department. The only unpopular deans should be the ones who lock fraternities out of their own common rooms.

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