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Diamonds and Coal

Diamonds and Coal, Sept. 23

By
Friday, September 23, 2011

A cubic zirconium to Frances Mantak ’88, director of health education, who told The Herald, “Brown has a good, long-standing history of supporting students in their sobriety.” Too bad Dave Binder has a better, longer-standing history of supporting students in their inebriation.

 

Coal to Professor of Engineering Huajian Gao, whose research on cells’ interactions with nanomaterials was published Sunday and who told The Herald, “We cannot eat a lollipop longer than us.” We suggest you conduct some research on the Main Green April 20.

 

A diamond to the Brown Concert Agency, which arranged for Saturday’s Fall Concert to be free for all students. We knew the value of Real Estate in Providence was low, but we didn’t know it was that low.

 

Coal to international students, to whom the academic code had to be explained this semester after they were found guilty of a disproportionate number of reported violations. And that’s not even counting Buxton’s noise violations.

 

A diamond to Psychological Services, which has seen an increase in student demand over the past five years ago. Psych! Coal.

 

Coal to Central Falls Police Chief Joseph Moran III, who told The Herald, “Normally when you do a study, you try to find out about a place before you rip it apart.” Well, except in the Department of Godzilla Studies.

 

A diamond to Alex Morse ’11, who won the preliminary election for mayor of his hometown by a single vote Tuesday. Come November’s general election, we look forward to voting for you on MyCourses.

 

Coal to Professor of Africana Studies Chinua Achebe, who reportedly only attended two sessions of a spring 2010 course for which he was listed as the instructor. You’re not a student, and this isn’t Russian Lit.

 

Coal to SOC 1870A: “Investing in Social Change,” in which students spend the semester giving away $15,000. If students want to throw away thousands of dollars of someone else’s money, they should do it the old-fashioned way: by using their tuition to take Russian Lit.

 

A cubic zirconium to Joseph Crisco III, professor of orthopedics at the Alpert Medical School, who conducted a three-year study investigating ways to make football safer. May we suggest getting rid of the parts where large men attack each other?

 

Coal to Elliott King, assistant professor of modern and contemporary art history at Rhodes College, who said last night at the Brown-RISD Hillel’s exhibition of Salvador Dali’s art that Dali “encouraged Surrealists to look into the Hitler phenomenon and discuss it.” It was really more of a genocide than a “phenomenon.”

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