I'd like to start things off by letting everyone know that this week's column is about football. That means I will in no way talk about baseball.
I won't talk about how the New York Yankees clinched the American League East with scrap-heap pitchers like Bartolo Colon and Freddy Garcia. I won't talk about how it makes no sense that a team with Ivan Nova as their number two pitcher thoroughly outplayed a team with three bona fide aces. I certainly won't talk about John Lackey, the Boston Red Sox pitcher who might as well change his name to John "Expletive Deleted" Lackey, because that's what we all call him. I won't talk about the Sox pitching staff seemingly getting together and deciding, "You know what? Losing sounds fun! Let's just give up five runs over four innings every night and see what happens!" Last but not least, I will definitely not talk about the Red Sox throwing away so many games down the stretch that they are in danger of defining the idea of the late-season collapse.
Excuse me for a second. (I take a baseball bat and systematically destroy everything in my room, screaming, "This isn't how it was supposed to be! Not like this!" I collapse and cry for several hours before standing up and continuing this column.)
So — football! An NFC preview:
NFC East
After two weeks of football, it's the Washington Redskins that find themselves atop the NFC East, led by Tim Hightower and Rex Grossman. But I don't expect them to stay there, mostly because they are led by Tim Hightower and Rex Grossman. The hobbled New York Giants look to face a down year after losing an astounding number of players to season-ending injuries before they even took the field.
Tony Romo's gutsy decision to play with a cracked rib and punctured lung saved the Dallas Cowboys in overtime last week and the Philadelphia Eagle's championship chances are as dependent on Michael Vick as I am on similes.
Long story short? This division is up for grabs. I think we are going see the Redskins slide to 7-9 and the Giants hobble to 6-10. The championship will be decided in week 16 when the Eagles head to Dallas. I think the Eagles will win the road game and the division. 11-5 for the Eagles and 10-6 for the Cowboys.
Champs: Eagles
NFC South
The toughest division in football had just one weak link last year — the horrifically dismal Carolina Panthers. Now the Panthers are still quite bad, but the emergence of Cam Newton as a relatively impressive NFL quarterback makes it impossible to declare them hopeless. This was highlighted last week when they jumped out to an early lead on the defending champion Green Bay Packers before remembering that they are the Panthers and they aren't allowed to actually win.
Josh Freeman leads a Tampa Bay Buccaneers squad that can win any given Sunday and I like the bounce-back New Orleans Saints as the division champs. Only the Atlanta Falcons appear to have gotten worse, though their narrow defeat of the Eagles last Sunday proves that they, too, are not a team to be ignored. The Saints will finish 12-4 while the Bucs will match last season's mark at 10-6. The Falcons will finish a disappointing 9-7 and the Panthers will bring up the rear at 5-11.
Champs: Saints, Wild Card: Buccaneers
NFC North
Living in a house full of Packer fans, I have to endure a lot of talk about the current champs. They scream "Go, Pack, go!" at me through the bathroom door as I shower and worship a can of Keystone Light that Aaron Rodgers signed as though it were a religious totem. The excitement is understandable. The Pack barely squeaked into the playoffs last year before getting red hot and decimating each opponent with the tactical calculation of a Terminator. The Packers offense is still one of the best in football, and I see them winning the division and the conference with a 13-3 record.
But they should beware of the new and improved Detroit Lions, who are making some noise and looking to break into the playoffs. I think this defensive line and the healthy Matthew Stafford are going to get the Lions to an impressive 11-5 and a well-deserved playoff spot.
What about the Chicago Bears, you ask? Yeah, about that. They'll be 7-9. Oh, come on, Chicago! Don't give me the "we were in the conference championships last year!" You know exactly what I'm talking about.
Despite Adrian Peterson's best efforts, the Minnesota Vikings will finish a dismal 4-12. Donovan McNabb will also break Brett Favre's all-time record for "saddest starts by a clearly washed-up quarterback who used to be good." The good news is that the record will stay in Minnesota.
Champs: Packers, Wild Card: Lions
NFC West
Ugh. Do I really have to do this division? The NFC West is more depressing than an animal shelter. The Seattle Seahawks actually paid Tavaris Jackson for his services as a quarterback. They are going to get exactly what they paid for with a 2-14 season. The San Francisco 49ers look better than they did last year, but that's like saying, "Charlie Sheen looks more sober than he did last spring!" The Niners are heading for a 6-10 season.
This division is going to come down to the Arizona Cardinals and the St. Louis Rams and it will be won by whoever sucks less at the end of the season. I think it's the Rams. They finish 8-8 and just nip the 7-9 Cardinals.
Champs: Rams
Sam Sheehan '12 encourages all readers to pitch in and support their local NFC West Disaster Relief charity. Every bit counts. Talk sports with him at sam_sheehan@brown.edu or follow him on Twitter @SamSheehan.
