Diamonds and Coal

Diamonds and Coal, Feb. 24

Friday, February 24, 2012

Coal to the Bruin Club and the Admission Office for treating students admitted early decision only to A Lunch on College Hill and having no plans to turn the event into an overnight stay like A Day on College Hill, which is hosted for regular decision admits. A word of wisdom to those accepted early decision — if the University were really trying, it would buy you dinner and ask you to spend the night.


A diamond to Kate Bornstein ’69, a keynote speaker of this weekend’s IvyQ conference and a transgender author and gender theorist, for saying of the need to question binaries, “When we explode a binary, we reveal a hierarchy.” Throw in a “heteronormativity,” and you’ll have the trifecta of Brown students’ favorite words — but be careful not to explode all three, or the Brown humanities program might implode on itself.


A diamond to the Undergraduate Council of Students, which is planning to host an event during UCS week offering samples from different dining hall vendors to entice students to stay on meal plan. Your move, MunchCard. Might we suggest free Mama Kim’s?


Coal to Paul Shanley, deputy chief of police of the Department of Public Safety, for calling University security cameras “not like a Vegas operation where we have people watching all the time.” Opening your Brown mailbox, on the other hand, could require a crack heist team led by George Clooney.


A diamond to Gov. Lincoln Chafee ’75 P’14, who has been selected alongside Desperate Housewives actress Eva Longoria and actor and White House staffer Kal Penn as one of 35 co-chairs of President Obama’s re-election campaign Wednesday. Incidentally, Chafee will also be cast in Penn’s next film, Harold and Kumar Go to the White House.


Cubic zirconia to Peter Snyder, professor of neurology, and Paul Maruff, who studied the effects of “the urge to void,” or the painful need to urinate, which Snyder described as both cheap and easily relieved. This is not to be confused with the urge to avoid, which would only be relieved if Facebook, Twitter and BrownBares simultaneously crashed.


Coal to former University President Henry Wriston, who said fraternities “received a shot in the arm” during World War II, when Brown’s fraternity member population relative to the total student body dropped from 80 percent to 23 percent. Sorry, Mr. Wriston, any self-respecting bro will tell you that’s not where shots go.


An extra sparkly diamond to the speakers selected for a conference celebrating women’s history at Brown, which will showcase what the “fabulous alumnae of Brown do,” according to a co-chair of the council sponsoring the event. They’ll need it to match the high bar for fabulousness set by spunky Brown alums John Hay 1858 and Charles Evans Hughes 1881.


A diamond to Rhode Island native Viola Davis, who is nominated for an Academy Award for her performance in “The Help.” Regardless of what happens Sunday night, here’s something shiny to put on your shelf.