As my friends are sure to tell you, I am a big fan of flirting with women. I love the patter of the conversation, the nuanced shifting of smiles, the all-powerful eye contact. I love the moment when you both know that something fun is about to happen, and I love it when that fun ensues.
Now I am not going to be an arrogant maniac and claim that I always succeed, but I can share this much with you: The foremost key to a woman's heart - or at least to the interior of her bedroom - is to maintain an air of confidence. And somebody needs to tell that to the Democrats.
Every time I hear my fellow Democrats speak, either in person or on TV, they are discussing how worried they are that their presidential candidate John Kerry might not make it in November, terrified that he could lose.
By contrast, even on the most damaging days for President George W. Bush, my Republican friends and their cohorts on the tube seem absolutely certain that their man will win.
George W. Bush could get busted with an intern in the oval office while a nuclear bomb goes off in Fallujah, and my GOP buddies would grin, assure me that the liberal media is totally blowing things out of proportion, remind me that John Kerry flip-flopped on Iraq and then refer to Bush's victory as inevitable.
In short, these people are ridiculously cocksure. And it works.
That said, let me swaggeringly explain why my guy's victory is in the can. To start with, Bush's lead just ain't that hefty - only a point or two outside the margin of error in the contested states.
On top of that, many voters are just now tuning in to this election, and every day global events undermine the president's assurances of security. Bush's standing isn't strong, so if he is going to win, he had better pray that his opponent's performance as a closer will be weak. Not happening.
On New Year's Day 2004, the senator from Massachusetts was polling lower than Al Sharpton. Three weeks later, his rhetoric, intellect, understanding of the issues and hell-bent will to fight won him the Iowa caucuses.
No politician closes stronger than John Kerry, so I wouldn't be worried if he was down by 15 points. I'm really unconcerned about him being down by two.
Now let's take a look at why more Democrats ought to start assuming this sort of assured posture: For one, if Kerry's supporters are wary, it sends the wrong message to those voters on the fence.
As when flirting with a woman, confidence signifies desirability; uneasiness kills allure. Putting it in electoral terms, that could mean anything from voters swinging towards Bush to a low turnout from the Democratic base.
Either way, an insecure façade will risk a self-fulfilling prophecy. Just ask any down-on-his-luck dude. If you believe you're going to lose, you very likely will.
I would be willing to bet a Heinz-sized fortune that Kerry's good at picking up the ladies.
Weeks ago, while fielding questions at a fundraiser in the Hamptons, Kerry was confronted with a concerned supporter who was exasperated by the Swift Boat scandal.
"Just wait," the senator told that man, with a piercingly smooth confidence. "You have no idea how hard I'm going to kick their ass."
That is the kind of line that gets you laid and maybe even elected. That is the type of talk I want to hear from every Democrat in America, the sort of bravado I want undecided voters to assume they'll receive when they chat with a Kerry fan.
That is the brand of self-assurance that builds campaigns, turns tides, changes minds and energizes an election.
It is the voice of victory, of a confidence that triumphs. Learn it, fake it or get out the way. Personally, I just cannot wait to win.
Joel Silberman '05 is extremely eager to meet and seduce Cate Edwards.
