For my last Herald sports column, I decided to go out with a series of Larry King/Bill Simmons-style ramblings.
Tommy Lasorda should stop trying to lose weight by taking Slim-Fast and instead stop using steroids. Hey, it worked for Jason Giambi.
Eli Manning has informed the Giants that after seeing Cameran and Brad make out on "The Real World," he would rather play for the Chargers. Brad's idiotic drunkenness is just too enchanting to pass up.
When the NHL eventually eliminates the regular season, the league will instead use a skills competition to determine the Stanley Cup Champion. In turn, Al Iafrate will be brought out of retirement and overpaid by the New York Rangers. Sadly, the team will still miss the playoffs.
Christina Aguilera will break up the Denver Nuggets, like Toni Braxton broke up the Jason Kidd-Jamal Mashburn-Jim Jackson-led Dallas Mavericks. Earl Boykins, Carmelo Anthony and Nene have already tried to get dirty with the pop superstar, with a Boykins-Aguilera sex tape allegedly floating around the Internet.
The government was tipped off to Marion Jones' steroid use when she beat Sonic the Hedgehog in the 100 and 200.
Anna Kournikova's next match will not involve tennis at all. She will face WWE valets and Playboy Playmates Torrie and Sable in a Jell-O match at Summerslam.
Regardless of what Georgetown University does in the next 20 years, John Thompson IV has a job waiting for him. Apparently, Georgetown's men's basketball coach is chosen by the same method as the King of England.
This could be a great year for the Minnesota Twins, as they win the World Series every time Michael Jackson is arrested on child molestation charges. On a related note, Jackson has hired Kent Hrbek as his new attorney.
Anyone who has played Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2004 should not be surprised by Tiger's slump. The video game version of Tiger is also easily distracted by a hot Swedish model.
Kobe Bryant might be tired of playing with Shaq and for Phil Jackson, but if "The Shawshank Redemption" taught me anything, it is not the triangle offense he will be running from next season.
If Ty Law remains with the Patriots, he and Corey Dillon will form quite the outspoken, loudmouth tag team. MTV's new reality series may consist of Law, Dillon and Jessica Simpson debating political and pop culture issues.
At their present rate of performance, the New York Yankees are the most overpaid talent since Anna Nicole Smith. New York City residents are just waiting for George Steinbrenner to buy the Devil Rays and Royals to guarantee the Yankees a few wins.
To come into compliance with the FCC, Serena Williams will be forced to play in a trench coat and jeans.
Like John Stevens and Kwame Jackson, it is time for me to go.
Herald staff writer Joshua Troy '04 is a former sports editor and has covered the football and men's basketball teams during his four years at Brown.
