The prospect of graduating without a job is daunting. The thought of returning back to live with my parents is demoralizing. The slightest notion of having to live in Buffalo, where the winters are cold and professional sports championships are rarer than them Northern Hairy-nosed Wombat, forced me to draw up a list of jobs.
While I will accept any job that meets the Fair Labor Standards Act for Sports (similar to the normal FLSA, except for the provision that protects workers from having to help Shaq make any movies), there are several that are quality prospects. They may take me anywhere from Pyongyang, North Korea, to Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan, and I could end up losing my U.S. citizenship, but like chess wizard Bobby Fischer, I value sports more than my freedom.
* I've always wanted to be the person at hockey games who opens the penalty box. What a job: getting paid to watch hockey. But with the cancellation of the NHL, I think I should be a scab and take a job as a replacement NHL player. If Keanu Reeves could act as a replacement, I have no doubts about my ability to be a replacement.
* Bill Belichick's personal fashion consultant. For those of you who didn't see the pilot episode of Project Runway, I do have my own fashion line that consists of more than Patriots Hoodies. Bill will become a mix between Tom Wolfe and Lil' Jon, wearing impeccable white suits, and sippin' his Gatorade out of a "Crunk Juice" cup, while his opponents sip on the Haterade. (I will also be his new offensive coordinator.)
* Oil boy for the Hawaiian Tropics Bikini Team. I don't know about this one. After all, I'm not a boy, I'm a man. And I'm not a mermaid, but a merman. Maybe they'll make an exception. If not, I think I'll try to make it as a model for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue (I design my own leopard-print, European-style suits).
* North Korean National Team Basketball Coach. Kim Jong Il loves the Lakers, the Lakers Cheerleaders and an explosive offense. While I can't bring him Kobe, I can bring him Wilt Chamberlain and all the women he has slept with. As far as my offensive weapons of mass destruction, I thought about throwing a Molotov cocktail at a Spanish soccer game once. Maybe I can just caddy for the glorious leader who shoots a 35 round of golf, but I'd have to ask Hans Blix about accepting nuclear tips.
* John Chaney's Go-To-Sleep with the Fishes Guy. I may not be that tall, but I can drop (el)bows like my name was Ludacris, break knees better than John Gotti and abnegate better than the Shakers.
* "Monitor" for the Westminster Dog Show. Let's face it, dogs hump, and somebody needs to stop them. Bob Barker has yet to preach to all dog lovers, so there is a golden opportunity for me here. If I somehow prevent myself from doing this on a daily basis, why wouldn't I be able to do the same for dogs? Besides, I can handle my Giant Schnauzer just fine.
* Personal Assistant for Ricky Williams. My Brown degree can serve me well in many fields, but I think it can get me an immediate job as Ricky Williams' personal assistant for "acquisitions." I know how to find the green he is looking for, and wouldn't mind being paid with in-kind services.
* Scout for the New York Yankees. Although I'm a Red Sox fan, I wouldn't mind selling my soul to the devil and being a scout for the New York Yankees. Hey, I know talent when I see it, albeit in the form of multiple Cy Young awards and current franchise players. With my negotiating stick and carrot being larger than Jason Giambi's biceps, there isn't any athlete or country I won't be able to purchase.
* Curler for the United States Curling Team. When else can I yell "Harder! Harder! Faster! Faster! More! More!?" And how else can I say I pushed snow in more lines then our president? And you know what the team cheer is: "Do curls to get girls!"
* Bassmaster on the BASS pro tour. First off, I would wear a hat that said "Kick some BASS!" More importantly, fishing is fun, and what better way to pick up chicks then by catching them a delicious bass?
* NASCAR driver. I like fast cars, fast times and fast women. When career services told me during one of their workshops that this job would fit my skills and personality (it was between that and I-banking), I thought my parents would be happy to know the Brown tuition would finally pay off.
So wish me luck at my interviews. When they ask me what my weakness is, I'll tell them that I will roll up my pant leg, turn around and show them my Achilles heel.
Sports staff writer Ian Cropp '05 is desperate for work, but not that desperate, so don't get any ideas.
