Let's face it: Most of us are geniuses. Brown is obviously the best college in the universe. But every village has its idiots. So today I'd like to celebrate the un-popped kernels in the collegiate bag of popcorn - the truly stupid things I hear Brown students yak about: how much they friggin' love their ethnicity, their classes, or their politics.
"I'm so proud of my ethnicity!"
"My Greek / Iranian / Cuban / Italian / Korean / Jewish / Indian / Southern heritage is very important to me. My people have undergone some of the worst oppression in history, but in true Greek / Iranian / Cuban / Italian / Korean / Jewish / Indian / Southern fashion, we have fought through it, maintaining our deeply rooted traditions and unique oral history. We are renowned for both our great food and our strong, tight-knit families; Greek / Iranian / Cuban / Italian / Korean / Jewish / Indian / Southern mothers are famous for always insisting, "Eat! Eat!" I am confident that had I been born without an ethnicity, I would still be drawn to the one-of-a-kind Greek / Iranian / Cuban / Italian / Korean / Jewish / Indian / Southern culture."
"I'm smart 'cause I took a class on it!"
"The tradition of opinions columns is a long and stately one. If you've taken EL 16: 'Journalism' you would know that. We learned in CO 71: 'Literature and Its History' that many famous people have been or read editorial columnists. Even the Egyptians practiced a sort of opinions writing, according to my friend who accidentally shopped EG 141: 'Ancient Egyptian Literature.' I further learned during CS 2: 'Concepts of Computer Science' that editorial columns are integral to American newspapers, according to the PS 111: 'Mass Media' reading I did during that class. Anyway, I printed out the lecture slides, so I think I know what I'm talking about."
"Your argument is narrow-minded!"
Reducing the opposing side into bite-size evil, our campus politicos make horoscopes look specific. "All Democrats believe this." "Republicans always do this." With statements this broad, it doesn't quite matter who is being skewered. So before you read on, pick your opponent - conservatives or liberals - and revel in the undeniable superiority we share:
"The views (conservatives/liberals) have on abortion are horrific and don't respect a human's fundamental rights. Their stance on gun control ignores what the text of the Second Amendment allows. And not only are they controlled by special interests, they won't even admit it!
"The actions of (liberals/conservatives) show that (1) they don't really care about blacks or the poor, (2) they aren't committed to fixing education, (3) their plans for health care are unrealistic and (4) they are out of touch with the experiences of the average American. Unfortunately, the media is biased toward them, covering up the fact that (conservative/liberal) administrations during the past several decades have pursued economic policies that are irresponsible and just plain wrong; any good economist can tell you that. Yet, most troubling to me is that (liberals'/conservatives') track record for fighting terrorism is unimpressive, to say the least. And they're ugly, too."
Take heart, gentle reader. This inanity is probably limited to People Who Aren't You. It's not like you rationalize the usefulness of your classes; you surely don't think your ethnicity is anything superior; and I doubt you would ever mindlessly nod your head to a blanket statement about the opposing party.
Only Republicans could be that dumb.
Andrew K. Stein '06 just poked you. Poke back?
