Good morning, kids. Sorry I'm late. I didn't realize how long the walk from my office was.
Welcome to JZ0083: Marxist Retrospectives on Race, Class and Gender. My name is Professor Fumbledore. Someone else was supposed to teach the class this year, but she had a thing. I mean a baby.
Let me explain the class a bit. This course isn't just about communism, this course is communism. There will be no capitalist "shopping" period. "Preregistration" is elitist. Learning should be experiential, so I give priority to underclassmen - or as I call them, "proletariat students." This better illustrates what communism is like, what with the equality and everything. In the past, this enlightened policy has made some students hostile, but I know it's just the growing pains of an expanding mind. I call them "mental stretch marks." If you don't like it, you can go take one of those capitalist, bourgeois classes, but don't you dare expect to unionize.
As you think about that, I'm going to send around the syllabus while I read it to you. I didn't print enough, so how about if everyone turns and shares with the person on your left? Ha ha, a little socialist humor. As you'll see, there are five books required for this class. I wrote more than three of them. Only last year did I think of assigning my books for all my courses, and once I did - voilà ! - I moved up something like a thousand places on Amazon! So I spent this summer in Vegas.
Our first pop quiz will be this Monday. The book isn't in the bookstore yet, but I'll be checking on that soon-ish. Until then just find someone who took the class last year and read the old book. It's a different author, but I think you'll get the gist of it. There's also a copy at the library, but it's not officially on reserve, so try to remember to return it after a couple of hours, OK?
At this point, I'd like to introduce my teaching assistant, Mao. He just finished his undergraduate research at Beijing A&M. He told me he wants to practice his English, so I'm having him give most of the lectures this semester. He'll also be grading your papers, so you might want to avoid using too many idioms, irregular verbs, or anything with a silent vowel.
I want to take a moment to address the rumors that you've all doubtlessly heard: yes, I've said things in the past that weren't technically politically correct. I don't mean to offend people, but for some reason women are really sensitive about stuff. So if I say something un-PC, just tell me, and I'll give you one of these pre-written letters of apology for you to fill in on your own. But I'm getting better, especially about not insulting conservative students. Young Republicans don't depress me as much anymore. That reminds me: Does anyone know what the Academic Bill of Rights is? No? Good. No need to look it up.
My lawyer told me something interesting the other day: Did you know that the age of consent in Rhode Island is 16?
Please turn to the page in the syllabus about the Class Policies. My office hours are Saturdays, 7-8:30 a.m. My collar is up intentionally. If you need to go to the lavatory, please use this hall pass. And if you want my signature on your add/drop form, just forge the damn thing. It's OK - I have tenure!
Andrew K. Stein '06 hopes his professors don't read this.
