I already suspected that Samuel L. Jackson was a pure badass after I saw him in "Pulp Fiction," but after watching him handle a plane full of snakes in the aptly titled "Snakes on a Plane," I emerged with a newfound respect for Jackson's uncanny ability to keep his cool and provide leadership in a time of crisis.
I keep hearing that Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) is supposed to become the first black president. With all due respect to Obama, in today's turbulent world, we cannot afford to have our president's sole foreign policy credential amount to singing along with a bunch of Kenyan schoolchildren. America needs a badass executive who wouldn't hesitate to get unilateral on some motherf*ckin' snakes.
In the post-Sept. 11 landscape, any presidential candidate with experience handling major in-flight emergencies would enjoy a distinct advantage at the polls. If Republicans do the smart thing and nominate Rudy Giuliani to be their candidate, the only man who can stand next to Giuliani and make him seem drearier than John 'Senator from Sleepy Hollow' Kerry is - you guessed it - Samuel L. Jackson.
Do you think Osama bin Laden would still be loose if Samuel L. Jackson had been our president in 2001? Hearing George Bush Jr. speak after Sept. 11 only emboldened America's enemies; the world laughs at a president who tells us that families are where "wings take dream."
President Samuel L. Jackson, on the other motherf*ckin hand, would have gone on the air on Sept. 12, and would have looked right into that camera and said, "Though I walk in the valley of darkness, I fear no evil." And bin Laden would have had exactly 24 hours to turn his ass over to some European country that doesn't allow the death penalty so as to prevent U.S. President Samuel L. Jackson from opening a serious can of whoop-ass on that turbaned motherf*cker.
A Jackson campaign would have no problem rallying Democrats. Combine the black vote with the votes of "security moms" as well as the vast group of independents who would realize how cool our nation would suddenly become if Sammy J were our president and you've got what amounts to a cakewalk to the White House. In order to appease the Democratic Party establishment, Jackson could make Hillary Clinton his running mate, though only if she promised not to cramp his style. Bill Clinton could return to the White House in the role of a Vice-First Gentleman.
You might be asking yourself: why hasn't Jackson already used Snakes on a Plane as a springboard to declare his candidacy for president? There is a simple reason. Samuel L. Jackson isn't just some jive-ass politician. He knows that if he's going to start his campaign he has to do it with style. If he won a political race without even running in it, then everyone would know he was a political badass.
That's why he's keeping his cool, waiting for someone to start a write-in campaign in his name. Brown can be the first to realize this fact and take advantage of it, hitching us to the Samuel L. Jackson bandwagon on a one-way trip down Get the Hell out of my Way Lane. President Jackson would never forget that his political fortunes began right here when he starts thinking about things like cabinet appointments.
That's why the first step on the road toward making America a great nation once again is writing in Samuel L. Jackson as a candidate for Congress in Rhode Island. In receiving some needed political experience, he would silence his opponents who might have claimed a political novice shouldn't hold the most important office in the world. And anyway, Patrick Kennedy is a sorry excuse for a congressman; as this column goes to print he's probably having his stomach pumped for pills or having his date escorted off his yacht by the U.S. Coast Guard. By replacing him with Samuel L. Jackson, we'd effectively kill two birds with one stone.
Congressman Kennedy's redeeming feature is his family name. For Samuel L. Jackson, a badass name is just the tip of the political iceberg.
Michal Zapendowski '07 finally feels like he can vote his conscience.
