As a religious studies concentrator and longtime resident of the Bible Belt, I'm pretty familiar with the popular conception of God. The Big Guy sports a big, bushy beard that flows down over his billowing white robes. He's a real man's man who may have a soft spot for clouds and auras of gold light, but who isn't afraid to dole out a little righteous smiting here and there. Sodom and Gomorrah were an affront to His word, so He smote the two cities. When Lot's wife protested this, God turned her into a pillar of salt. Just imagine that for a second. The Egyptians refused to free the chosen people from slavery, so God unleashed 10 plagues upon them. God is not afraid to lay down the law.
This horrible oppression under the foot of a vengeful deity has lasted for thousands of years, but may be drawing to a close. A mortal leader has finally seen the light. That special someone is the head of the Anglican Church, the Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams. With his blessing, the Anglican clergy recently released a report stating that God's traditionally masculine and violent nature "can validate overbearing and ultimately violent patterns of behavior in intimate relationships."
Yes, that's right - God's own behavior validates domestic abuse. The report goes on to describe how the theology of forgiveness that pervades the Church prompts victims of abuse to forgive their attackers rather than seek action against them. In short, God is largely to blame for the fact that men beat women, and that many women allow such beatings to continue.
Enough is enough. It's time that all of us band together to change the ancient ways of God so that we can prevent such problems from continuing into the future. Only one thing can help humanity overcome such a deeply rooted divine dilemma: God needs a makeover.
As it stands, God is a pretty scary guy. Given the Anglican allegations, the logical course of action would be to make God as unthreatening and female-friendly as possible. For starters, that beard has simply got to go. It just screams "Unabomber," don't you think? God would be much better served by a prim goatee. And those robes? How long has he been wearing them? God is like those people who have 30 articles of one kind of clothing in their closets. Our Almighty deserves better: he should have a wardrobe stocked with Express and Armani. Plus, it wouldn't hurt to work some colors in there. With all the white He has going on, what in God's name would God wear after Labor Day?
Now, before you get all up in arms about it, don't think I'm so shallow as to suggest that we need only change God's appearance. After all, it's His misogynistic, violent ways that are leading men to beat their wives and girlfriends.
Looking back at the Old Testament, there are a couple things God could have done a little better. First, he asked Abraham to sacrifice his son to prove his faith. Hello! Why was Sarah left out of the process? When Abraham carries his son around for nine months dealing with swollen ankles, morning sickness and cravings for hot dogs with whipped cream, he can make decisions like that by himself. And don't even get me started on those 10 Commandments. How hard would it have been to throw in "Thou shalt not leave the toilet seat up?"
I could go on, but you get the idea. It seems like the Anglican report only caught wind of the beginning of the trail. Everything God does is a reaffirmation of His chauvinist ego. I, as someone who cares deeply about women, won't stand for it any longer. We must rewrite the Bible to change God's ways and protect the victims of domestic violence.
And why stop there? Tomorrow we start on the Koran.
People standing next to Adam Cambier '09 have inexplicably been turning into pillars of salt recently.
