Over the weekend, the Toronto Maple Leafs proved themselves less durable than both the surging currency minted a few hundred kilometers downstream and the Northeast division-winning Montreal Canadiens, who handed the buds a 3-1 loss to close out the Leafs' worst season in more than a decade.
But though the Leafs were already out of the playoff picture midway through spring break, all you fans of non-French-Canadian ice sports needn't worry - you still have plenty to wave your red and white flags about.
While you were off College Hill relaxing on your chesterfield (that's Canada-speak for a sofa or couch), hitting the slopes in your balaclava (those face-covering ski masks) or living it up in Havana (oops - only we can do that), Jennifer Jones was screaming "Harder!" to three women standing on ice with brooms in their hands and shoes on their feet.
Jones is the star of the Canadian women's national curling team. Curling is the best sport in the world (its tournaments are awesomely referred to as "bonspiels"). Over the break, Jones became the star of the world's best sport's best team.
Curling is a sport invented by Scots and dominated by Canucks - politely, of course. Players push off from footholds called "hacks" buried in the ice and launch a heavy stone toward an archery-target-looking area called the house. Like in bocce, the team with the closest stone to the center of the house is the only team that scores points in a given "end," and the scoring team receives one point for each of its stones that is closer to the center than the closest stone of the opposing team.
But the sport's name comes from the characteristic movement of the stones. On delivery, the thrower can twist the stone so that it curls one way or another, and the sweepers brush the ice to either speed up and straighten out the stone, or hold off to slow down the stone and encourage it to curl more.
Sports commentators often refer to a well-coached football game as a "chess match," but curling is far more deserving of the moniker. And as the Canadian women learned in March, this chess match hands out gold medals.
The World Championship's final match in Vernon, British Columbia, pitted the Canadian women against the surging Chinese, who entered the tournament under the radar until they upset Canada in the round robin. But Jones and her fellow Canucks slid and swept their way to victory when it counted, earning a 7-4 win in a bonspiel for the ages.
But that's not all Canadians have recently accomplished on puck-less ice. While Jones was getting used to the extra weight around her neck, Jeffrey Buttle was twirling his way to some gold of his own. The pride of Smooth Rock Falls, Ontario, Buttle became figure skating's World Champion last month in Sweden. Lutz-ing and salchow-ing his way around the Scandinavium arena, he confidently climbed to the top of the talented leader board, using a Yank and a Frenchman as footholds for his unrelenting toe pick. (Think of Jones' curling "hacks," but in more ways than one.)
Buttle then held back tears as the Maple Leaf was hoisted up in the air, flanked by the lagging red, white and blue and bleu, blanc et rouge. With a glowing heart, he stood on guard for the true north strong and free.
Jones and Buttle are two bright spots in a spring that looks to be dismal for the other on-ice Maple Leafs.
But an ice surface need not be surrounded by boards and Plexiglas in order to be conquered by Canadians. After all, everyone knows we have the biggest curling stones.
Chaz Firestone '10 is one-sixteenth American, but he'll never tell you
