Post- Magazine

astrology for hustlers [lifestyle]

how to make money based on your zodiac sign

Budgets get tight at the beginning of the calendar year. Holiday shopping and celebrations leave wallets considerably thinner, and many college students make New Year’s resolutions to fix their finances. February in Providence is already bleak—don't make it worse with a boring campus job! If you want a way to make a quick buck that fits your personality, this is the article for you. Here you'll find a hand-curated list of entrepreneurial endeavors, tailored to your zodiac sign. 

Aries (March 21–April 19): bet on dogfights 

You're probably itching for a new adrenaline rush, but trust me, take a break this month from learning new skate tricks and shoplifting. Instead, channel your competitive energy into something more lucrative: betting on dogfights. May the hungriest pitbull win. 


Taurus (April 20–May 20): become a cuddle buddy

When it gets cold, it can be tempting to stay in bed all day, especially for you affectionate, homebody Tauruses. Luckily, you can make some serious coin without even changing out of your sweats! Earn up to $80/hour cuddling a lonely, touch-deprived soul! Don't think about it too hard, just take the money. 

Gemini (May 21–June 20): take advantage of your friends

Geminis are notoriously two-faced, but also notoriously charming. Use these skills to your advantage: Next time you go out to dinner downtown, offer to pay for the Uber, charge it to your parents' account, and then Venmo-request your friends. Easiest $15 of your life. 

Cancer (June 21–July 22): sell an organ

You're used to doing kind things for free—giving advice, carrying emotional baggage, lending pencils you'll never see again—because that's just who you are. This year, consider charging for your generosity by donating a non-essential body part. (One kidney sells for up to $10,000.) 

Leo (July 23–August 22): poach endangered animals


You've tried being a TikTok influencer. You've tried selling your old clothes on Depop. No luck. Want to really stand out? Try poaching! Polar bears make for gorgeous rugs—you'd be helping make the world a more stylish place.

Virgo (August 23–September 22): invent something

You're the person your friends turn to when they need help killing a bug, solving a math problem, or wording an email, so you don't need my help. Just go invent something! Like a pet translator. Or gum that never loses its flavor. I'll be your first customer. 

Libra (September 23–October 22): become a sugar baby

You live in your head, which gives you an air of mystery. You're also always dressed like an incognito celebrity. Market these traits and become a young muse for a rich widow or a jaded businessman with a second family.

Scorpio (October 23–November 21): exploit strangers

It's easy to make money when you have no moral compass! Just call some elderly folks and phish for their credit card information, then extract $5–7 from their bank account every few days. If that's not enough, you can always rope your high school friends into a diet pill pyramid scheme. 

Sagittarius (November 22–December 21): win a hot dog eating contest

Are you interested in self-improvement? Do you strive to be 1% better every day? Well, there are 146 days until July 4. If you hone your craft, you could beat Joey Chestnut's record of 76 hot dogs and buns in ten minutes at the 2024 Nathan's Famous July Fourth hot dog eating contest and win a prize of $10,000. 

Capricorn (December 22–January 18): sell family heirlooms

You are pragmatic and logical, and you believe sentimentality is a waste of cognitive energy. Why keep Grandpa's old cufflinks around? Nobody wears those anymore. Your great aunt's favorite butterfly brooch? She won't know it's gone. Just sell your family heirlooms on Craigslist—as they say, one man's treasure is another man's $11. 

Aquarius (January 21–February 19): start smoking

Want to emulate that European je-ne-sais-quoi? Want to make some money so that you can buy a secondhand Voltaire novel that you'll carry around but never actually open? Turns out, you can do both at the same time! Just take up smoking cigarettes and then enter a Brown University tobacco study for up to $600 in compensation. Your bank account will thank you; your organs will not. 

Pisces (February 20–March 20): write fairy fanfic

If you're a Pisces, you probably spend half your time dreaming and the other half of your time daydreaming. But if you've got some extra time on your hands, that wild imagination is a marketable skill! Write some smutty fairy fanfic and watch the money roll in as your teenage readers imagine his wings, beating faster and faster…

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