Ok, I was wrong. When I went on NBA Trade Machine last week for my Wizards column, I took ESPN's word that John Wall was under contract for two years. Apparently, they only count sure seasons, so the two years of team options and final year in which Wall is under qualifying offer was left out. So in actuality, Wall has five years on the contract and can't be signed to an extension. Also, I know Jerry Buss is the Lakers' owner and not the GM. Otherwise, I wouldn't spend each day hoping that this is the day the reaper finally comes for him.
I'm a fool. I apologize to my readers and fans — all four of you — as I enter a helicopter and hold aloft both hands with pointer and middle fingers extended. Gerald Ford will now write the rest of this article.
Just kidding. I have even less shame than Nixon. I'm a Boston sports fan, after all.
But how do I win you all back over? What about a column with the promise of an eventual Olives, Colosseum and Fish Company analogy? How about if I tie it in with New York, New Jersey and the tactical game they played while courting the Nuggets for Carmelo? How about aDeron Williams trade kicker? Good? Ok.
For the past week, the basketball world in the tri-state area has been captivated by the pursuit of Carmelo Anthony, who is coveted by the New York Knicks and the New Jersey Nets. Carmelo had previously refused to sign an extension with his current team — the Denver Nuggets — and was telling anyone who would listen that he wanted to play in New York. This left the Nuggets in a bit of hard place. Their options were to lose Anthony at the end of the season to free agency, or trade him to the Knicks in exchange for peanuts and a copy of the Olsen twins' direct-to-video film, Billboard Dad.
Oh, it was Wilson Chandler who was included in the Anthony trade?
Sorry, I get my completely average things that no one will watch unless you seriously don't have anything better to do mixed up. Oh, calm down, Knicks fans, he's not on your team anymore. Justin Bieber could have put up those numbers for you. He was at least being guarded by Scottie Pippen.
Anyway, enter Mikhail Prokhorov, the new Nets principal owner who understands that it takes more than throwing money at players to build a winning team and that his team is, regrettably, located in New Jersey.Prokhorov has already addressed the latter by planning to move the team to Brooklyn next season, but what about the former? How can the owner turn his cellar-dwelling Nets into contenders?
Well, the crafty Prokhorov saw an opportunity in these Anthony trade talks and approached Denver with a ludicrous trade for the Nuggets' forward. Carmelo, perhaps feeling a bit bad about just how awful he had treated Denver in these past few months, pretended to be interested in the Nets' bait, saying he would consider signing an extension with the Nets if the trade went through.
Fatalistic Knicks fans and executives alike panicked, fearful of what would happen if the former Syracuse player they had been eyeing for so long went to the Nets. They slowly began upping their trade offers for him. By the time the teams pulled the trigger on it, the Nuggets got the underrated Raymond Felton and DaniloGallinari, as well as Timofey Mosgov, a first-round pick and two second-round picks, all in addition to Chandler. The Knicks, in return, received Anthony, the depressing but still sharp Chauncey Billups and a slew of incredibly average players.
Am I saying that the Knicks paid too much in the trade? Absolutely not. They needed to get Anthony to stand a shot at landing a guy like Chris Paul or Dwight Howard in the future. Am I saying that Prokhorov knew that Anthony wouldn't sign with the Nets, so he offered up a ridiculous trade in order to run up the price for his cross-town rivals? Yes. The Nuggets had no business somehow swinging a fair trade out of this, but that's exactly what it turned into.
Meanwhile Prokhorov made the incredibly sneaky deal of acquiring elite point guard Deron Williams — who no one even thought was on the market — for Devin Harris, Derrick Favors and two first-round picks, a trade that is two players and two picks less than the deal that the Nets were reportedly offering for Carmelo. Did I mention that I think Williams is a better player? I didn't? How about that he is one of the four or five best point guards in the league? Still nothing? Well, it's a very, very good trade for the Nets.
I picture the face of Knicks owner James Dolan on the body of Commissioner Gordon in The Dark Knight, as he screams to the police force, "He planned to be outbid! Prokhorov wanted us to get Anthony!"
There is then a cut to Prokhorov in full Joker face paint leaning out the window of the stolen police car and leering at the streets of Gotham as he makes his getaway.
Really, this series of trades has unfolded in a fashion that sort of mirrors the night-club wars that are currently dominating our campus.
In this analogy, LeBron James is Fish Co., a heavy slugger and dominant presence that is suddenly not available. Now the region's disappointed masses must make do with options that are less attractive but pretty good considering how shocking it is to not have the aforementioned presence around.
One fallback option is a party with superior location and an already established credibility from previous times — Olives and the Knicks. The other is a rival faction striving for the same resources with a worse location, using creative strategies to go toe-to-toe — The Colosseum and the Nets. The Colosseum and the Nets know Olives and the Knicks have some advantages, such as "You don't have to cab there," or "We have an actual playoff team now," but are using some crafty under-the-table knowledge to stay competitive: "The Jazz are shopping Deron Williams," or "Underage Brown students can drink before going to the club, making an 18-plus club viable".
There is one thing we have to understand, though. Lebron is out of our reach. He isn't coming back, and we can't expect Carmelo Anthony orDeron Williams to try to be him. LeBron truly is a once-in-a-lifetime player. There will never be another nightclub … I mean, player like LeBron.
It's time to accept it, Brown. We just have to accept it and move on.
Sam Sheehan '12 knew the only way a player was moving to New Jersey was to get away from Utah. Talk sports with or berate him atsam_sheehan@brown.edu or follow him on Twitter @SamSheehan.
