Diamonds and Coal

Diamonds and Coal, March 16

Friday, March 16, 2012

Coal to Seth Meyers, the Saturday Night Live head writer who mocked Brown students’ idea that they are “a bunch of John Krasinskis.” Meyers said, “The weirdest kid in my high school went to Brown.” That kid called, and he said he hated “New Year’s Eve” just like everybody else. 

A diamond to the junior who said of Brown’s attempts to compete with peer institutions, “Rather than try to compete with other schools at their own game, Brown should redefine the game and excel in the direction it really wants to go.” Thanks – we’ll pass that advice along to the athletics department.

Coal to Paul Guyer, the Penn professor of philosophy named the first Jonathan Nelson Professor last Friday, who said, “It’s important to study human beings the way we study other objects in nature.” We put your advice to practice, but our roommates didn’t take too kindly to our hourly monitoring of their pH levels. 

A diamond to the junior who said of what he sees as the University’s unnecessary emphasis on sex that in his “dream world you could really take everything back (to) pre-sexual revolution and bring back the gravity there used to be to sex.” Couple that gravity with excessive alcohol, and you’ll have trouble keeping anything up.

Cubic zirconia to the president of Hillel, who said of a recently approved University calendar that schedules the beginning of shopping period to coincide with Rosh Hashanah, “We are making students decide between spiritual life and academic life.” This seems slightly more important than our favorite age-old Brown dilemma: choosing between Spiritus life and academic life.

A diamond to the sex educator who said during a Sex Week event, “Every entry into a sex club, every drink I order is research.” That’s how we justified our study abroad experience, too.

Coal to the Chair People Collective, who called the chair “a symbol of hope.” Even after hours of sitting in SciLi chairs, we still don’t feel hopeful about our upcoming chemistry midterm.

A diamond to the junior who said of being inspired by a female student posing nude on Steinert Concert Hall pianos on BrownBares, “I’m really into music, so that was really beautiful for me.” Others who saw the photo added, “I’m really into naked women, so that was really beautiful for me.”

Coal to the Providence resident who allegedly tried to steal more than $400 worth of medical textbooks and trade books from the second floor of the Brown Bookstore last month. You know they also have laptops and iPods, right?