Some scholars have recently attempted to answer the question, "Who is the single most annoying fixture in sports?" Most fingers instinctively point to Tim McCarver, the rambling and senile Fox commentator who makes up first names and openly roots for his favorite team. I, however, am compelled by an unadulterated hatred for all bandwagon fans to cast my vote for their cult.
These are the individuals, often not sports fans, who become the most passionate supporters of the local sports team when it makes a run deep into the playoffs. At no time in the past few years has there been a more nauseating example of this than with the Red Sox's playoff runs this year and in 2003.
There is no task more excruciating than watching a game with these people. I'm throwing empty cans at the television and smashing my head against walls, letting out shrieks of agony and causing permanent vocal chord damage. Meanwhile, they clap like infants and employ the "Yaaay!" cheer (the same one used by parents when their newborns eat a spoonful of Gerber) at non-deserving plays. I think I'd rather watch the game with George Steinbrenner and Gilbert Gottfried.
I'm not just blowing off steam here. The New England Patriots have put together one of the greatest football teams of all time, nearly a dynasty, and yet even as a Massachusetts native I refuse to wear "Go Pats!" shirts and pretend I'm a fan. I wasn't watching the Pats when they were a mediocre team, so who am I to feign passion and love for them just because they're on a roll? This is the mentality I'm trying to pass on to the bandwagon fans, to the Jimmy Fallons who declare their allegiance and say that they've "converted" on national TV once things are going well.
My buddy Davs, a Massachusetts-native Yankee fan (we've warned him he's going to Hell, yet he insists), is always intrigued by the phenomenon of the "die-hard girl Red Sox fans" who graffiti their AIM profiles with "GO SOX! THIS IS THE YEAR" and similar encouraging cheers. They tend to pop up every September; it's like their breeding season. As the season comes to a close, they fade back into their "I could seriously give a crap about anything relating my local sports team" mode. The true die-hards are too disgusted to harass them or personally question their loyalty, so we just shake our heads and scoff while hoping that they somehow lose their Internet connectivity and access to all media.
This may seem harsh, but something has to be said for the fans who diligently read hundreds of articles and columns, watched thousands of hours of meaningless games, studied Hot Stove discussions and went to sleep on many a night dreaming about their team. Out of respect to these troopers, the bandwagon fans must silence their naïve passion. They must abstain from writing cheesy slogans in their profiles and feigning allegiance to the true fan base. They must become more knowledgeable and follow the team even when it's not the playoffs or a crucial part of the schedule - they must become us. Either that, or shut the hell up while I'm watching the game.
Marc Lanza '06 is cool.
