To: Gretchen Willis, director of University Dining Services
G-Dub,Along with Sidney E. Frank's $100-million "Jägermeister" gift for financial aid, the Office of the President received shipment of 1,763 handles of Grey Goose Vodka. (Dean Armstrong volunteered his office to store it.) Before we hand it over to Slavic Studies, let's see if we can't lighten the load for the campus movers. Could you pick up some mixers during lunch?Ruthie
To: Brenda Allen, associate provost and director of institutional diversity
Hey Brenda,You know who I don't see a lot of around here? Swedes. Swedish people. People from Sweden. You should recruit some. Get some Swedish Studies action going on. We could go cross-country skiing. And don't you love Swedish Fish? I thought Jo's had them, but they must have run out. Bummer."The Ruth"
To: David Greene, vice president for campus life and student services
Hey Dave,Remember that time back at Smith College when you ate, like, 6 hot dogs at once? I swear Brenda was gonna pass out from laughing so hard. Yeah, that was an awesome night.Da Boss
To: Armando Bengochea, associate dean, freshman studies
Arm-Ben,Isn't it funny how first-years always hang posters of the same stuff every year? Blues Brothers, The Simpsons, Jim Morrison. It's like: "Wow, man. You've got a poster about beer. You're such a rebel." "Ruth 66"
To: Beverly Ledbetter, vice president and general counsel
Bevs,Just a thought experiment. Go with me here: Could we sue Cornell? You know, for bringing the Ivy League down? They're kind of like dead weight. School of Hotel Administration? The Prez
To: Paul Armstrong, dean of the college
Dear Stretch Armstrong,If I can get Facilities to fix the presidential toilet, I'm having a small house party this Saturday from 10 to drunk o'clock. Could you pass this info on to the "cool" deans? You know who I mean. Thanks, dude."Raise the Ruth"
To: Janet Cooper-Nelson, university chaplain
Coop,What's up with "In Deo Speramus"? In God We Hope? What's that about? Sounds pretty weak to me. The other Ivies have mottos about truth and light, and here we are doing our weenie little hope dance. "The Gospel Ruth"
To: thedeansquad@yahoogroups.comSubject: Fwd: check this out
Hello Friend,This is a good luck memo. Now that you've started to read it, you must forward it or you will receive bad luck. This is not a joke! President Gee ignored this memo and was forced to leave Brown for an inferior school! Don't break the chain! If you send this memo to 1 - 3 deans, you will have good donor meetings for a whole month. If you send this memo to 4 - 9 deans, your crush will ask you out. And if you send this memo to 10+ deans, your campus will be racial- and homophobic-incident-free for an entire year! If you want good luck, send this memo right away!
Andrew K. Stein '06 is a member of St. Anthony Hall, the co-ed literary frat.
