Dear Mike,
You are the most outrageous personality in pop culture, the self-proclaimed "Baddest Man on the Planet." You were the youngest heavyweight champion in history, rising to the top at the tender age of 20 back in 1986. You once bit an opponent's ear off during a bout, your competitive fire so strong that you chose disqualification over suffering traditional defeat. You've threatened to eat your opponent's children, to stomp on the testicles of reporters' children and to rip a man's heart out. A few months ago, you jumped up and down like a gorilla on the hood of a man's car outside of a nightclub in Scottsdale, Ariz., just to show him who was boss.
I guess what I'm trying to say is: Mike, you provide more entertainment value than anyone in the public eye. Only your fights warrant a "guys' night" and dropping $50 on Showtime. We crave the bi-polar behavior and ridiculous antics. They could, and eventually will, publish an entire book of your quotes.
But as Jimmy Kimmel's favorite guest, you are paraded around like a sideshow act. You make regular appearances on the show and even co-hosted for an entire week of awkwardness, allowing yourself to be the butt of all his jokes and humbly responding to his condescending questions with a meek smile on your face. Is this tame Tyson the only one that we can now enjoy? Will we never see the fierce savagery that made you the most riveting figure in sports?
Your skills and reflexes have declined, and you are not the same athlete who knocked out 22 opponents in the first round, but you are still unanimously recognized as the hardest puncher in professional boxing. Thus, you will always have a "puncher's chance." After you pummeled Clifford "The Black Rhino" Etienne in Feb. 2003, I told everyone you were back, that the reign of dominance would begin anew, that the Tyson of the late 80s/early 90s was reincarnated...
But then, Danny Williams happened. A 4th-round knockout to a no-name, journeyman fighter from England threw a wrench in these comeback plans. You blamed the loss on a twisted knee in the first round that tore cartilage in several different places, and had arthroscopic surgery a few days later to repair it. What can we possibly expect now? Is your story believable? The rumors swirl in the boxing world that you rarely spar or train until just a few weeks prior to a fight, instead relying on grit and natural ability. You have been written off by every boxing expert in the country, even those who were your biggest advocates, like the empathetic Tim Graham.
As the news reports began surfacing last week that you were preparing for another comeback, we boxing fans were intrigued by the details of your current status. Reports stated that you had been "training hard" in Los Angeles with Buddy McGirt and had completely rehabbed your left knee. You looked smaller and better conditioned, while boasting that you would be going to Thailand in March to train with boxing great Jeff Fenech in preparation for a June comeback. Craziest of all, you provided no quote fodder and didn't even remotely threaten to harm anyone's children. Instead, you seemed friendly and enthusiastic, a poor man's Clay Aiken.
You once eloquently stated: "Yeah I'm on this Zoloft thing right? But I'm on that to keep me from killing y'all." Get off the Zoloft, Mike. Bring back the fire and rage and that made you the most dangerous man in the ring. Age 38 may be the end of the road for a boxer, but Bernard Hopkins won his 20th consecutive title defense last week, peaking at the age of 40. George Foreman is attempting to make a comeback at 56 years old. If these guys can do it at their ages, then you can once again be the best. Make this comeback the real deal. Silence the haters. It's time to prove the world wrong.
Slightly frightened but anticipating what you'll do next,
Marc
Sports staff writer Marc Lanza '06 needs Zoloft every time he sees Mike Tyson on Jimmy Kimmel.
