When I first heard that the Winter Olympics would be held in Italy, I said what was on everyone's minds when they heard: "What?! There's snow in Italy?" I didn't believe it, so I set off to ask some expert Italian ski bums. Unfortunately, I was not allowed inside the Italian embassy, Viva, because I didn't meet the dress code. Apparently, the bouncers didn't realize that flannel and cowboy boots are the new Gucci and Prada.
This was a major setback, until I realized I could still finish my column by simply making a bunch of crap up. Facts? Facts are for the terrorists, my friend. Are you a terrorist? Then shut your mouth.
So, let's be honest, outside of hockey and the occasional figure skating cat fight, the Winter Olympics are terrible. The sports of luge, skiing, snowboarding and bobsled seem to be little more than clever ways of falling down a snowy mountain.
The ski jump is another one that seems to have been born out of some poor fool's misfortune. Are these sports hard? Probably, but not as hard as trying to sit through 16 days of this televised nonsense.
There could be plenty of exciting and entertaining sports in the Winter Olympics, but no one has taken the time to think of any. I decided to take some initiative for once in my life and come up with some worthwhile winter games. After weeks of intense internal struggle, I could only come up with a brutal combative sport involving Dr. Phil and a pack of vicious polar bears. Success! Even though this sport would take minimal preparation, I understand it is probably too late to implement it during the Turin Games. You're safe for now, Phillip ... for now.
My favorite Winter Olympian, Bode Miller, has been more controversial than a Danish cartoon lately. People hounded him about his drinking comments before the Games, and now he's skied terribly. Don't you people understand that he is an elite athlete with very specific dietary guidelines? Without vats and vats of hard liquor, the poor guy's body is burning itself from the inside out. You've ruined his Olympic dreams! Damn you! Damn you all!
Figure skating is definitely the worst part of the Games. The male skaters all look like cruise ship magicians and the women look like junior high cheerleaders playing dress-up with Captain Kangaroo and a pound of crystal meth.
To cope with all this, I invented a drinking game set to figure skating. Every time a skater comes out on the ice in a ridiculous costume smiling like Miss America, take a drink. Every time you are reminded of the musical "Grease" during the competition, take a drink. Every time you want someone to fall but they don't, take a drink. After three and a half minutes, I was plastered. After four minutes, I was naked and my tongue was frozen to a flagpole. After 10 minutes, I ... wait! Why am I telling you this? I don't even know you!
Let's get back to the point of this whole thing. Point being, the Winter Olympics are terrible. Sub-point: they're really terrible. Secret triple sub-point: it is my belief that PETA hates the Winter Olympics too. Why? "Because snow, like, kills bugs and stuff and you're like, completely boxing me in."
Alright, I guess I really don't hate the Winter Olympics as much as I let on. I'm just bitter that I didn't develop into a champion skier, despite growing up in the snow-capped peaks of rural Kansas. But it's alright, I still watch the Winter Games. Just sitting and watching by myself, in the dark, rocking back and forth in the fetal position, crying softly.
There are no words to describe Sports Staff Writer Hugh Murphy '06.
