In 2004, Kevin Toth, a former world's strongest man competitor and U.S. shot put champ, tested positive for a new designer steroid called THG. Since that day, it's been one big anabolic orgy, with athletes from almost every sport tapping in. Even Congress wanted a piece of the action.
My favorite development in the whole steroids scandal involved baseball hero Rafael Palmeiro. The sporting world breathed a sigh of relief when the Orioles slugger pointed his finger at John McCain's Senate Judiciary Committee and denied ever letting Jose Canseco or anyone else give him the juice. He then rushed out of the courtroom and tested positive for the steroid Stanozolol just as soon as he could. He received a slap on the wrist from Major League Baseball, but his reputation and chances of reaching the Hall of Fame were ruined.
Hall of Fame or no Hall of Fame, Palmeiro came out of this thing far better than his doping counterparts. The slugger's notorious "broken bat" helped him land a highly sought-after position as a spokesman for Viagra. You think a little public shaming can get to the Viagara spokesman? Please! That guy could get caught humping a badger in the Vatican and still walk away with his head held high.
So, what's the big deal if a few athletes are on steroids? Let me tell you. The juice can produce many terrible and unwanted side effects. I'm not proud to admit that I know the horrors of steroids firsthand. It was late one night and I was leaving a party, completely messed up on 'roids and a few too many protein shakes. Like a fool, I decided to drive. Before I knew what had happened, I had crashed my car into the national headquarters of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, killing its president. In a fit of 'roid rage, I backed out of the building and tore down to the house of Family Circus comic creator Bil Keane. Come to think of it, maybe steroids aren't so bad. That's right Little Jeffy. But let's not get off track.
The ringleader of this steroid circus was not Palmeiro, but home run king and long time jerk Barry Bonds. Bonds joined the league as a slim 175-pound base-stealer. After almost 20 years in the League, he has transformed into young Barry's 250-pound alter ego, Barroids. The new and improved Barry was breaking home run records left and right, and at the age of 40 showed no signs of slowing down. Many people, including John McCain, suspected Barroids of drinking from the modern-day fountain of youth.
In front of McCain's Senate Judiciary Committee, Bonds admitted to taking steroids but claimed he did so unknowingly. The supplement he allegedly thought was flaxseed oil was actually a combination of chemicals strong enough to turn Jekyll into Hyde. No me gusta, Barry. Miss Cleo puts on a better façade, for Christ's sake. Barry, you should have known you were no match for Johndoids McCain.
Limited budgets and a lack of commitment from the big-money sports keep testing agencies a step behind the rogue chemists who develop steroids. Before 2003, Barroids could have spent entire mornings wallowing in a kiddy pool filled with the Cream, the Clear, THG or any other number of designer steroids, then toweled off and passed a drug test in the afternoon. If there is no test for the drug you are taking, then it doesn't matter how often you are tested or how stiff the penalties if you are caught.
We can't blame Bonds for creating the drug epidemic; professional athletes have used drugs since the beginning of time. Babe Ruth played half his games completely cocked, Lawrence Taylor had a serious case of "white line fever" and Mike Tyson obviously sucked down copious amounts of helium. I'm also pretty sure Derek Jeter has been taking estrogen for years, but that kind of thing doesn't make headlines. There simply aren't any easy answers to this whole mess. No one short of Sexy Jesus can sort it all out.
Hugh Murphy '06 will now be tested about seven or eight times for steroids before throwing the javelin at Heps.
