For those of you who aren't living under a rock or haven't been shot in the face by the vice president, you know that the fitness industry is booming. How much is it booming? Let me tell you, booming to the tune of some one million, billion, trillzillion dollars. Seriously, trust me. The industry is growing so fast that it even has its own TV shows and over-tanned celebrities. Let's take a look.
Tony Little, the face of the Gazelle, is my favorite fitness celebrity. He looks a bit like a porn star turned motivational speaker who then turned back into a porn star, but, who, by this time, was too far out of the game and had to start selling crappy fitness equipment - but still dresses like a porn star just to keep up appearances. Really, the guy makes Richard Simmons look like the Casanova of the fitness world. Every time I see one of those damn infomercials I want to take a Richard (edited for content) Cheney hunting trip.
There is another fitness celebrity that I'd like to recognize: Chuck Norris. Ahh, nevermind, that joke's getting a little tired, and we all know that Chuck Norris doesn't get tired. But do you know what tired gets? A roundhouse to the face! Actually, a roundhouse to the face and an e-mail from Career Development Center about this amazing job fair that gets your hopes way up until you actually go and find out it's a complete load of crap, they really can't help you get a job, and you realize that after graduating you will owe your first-born child and possibly your left hand, and you'll never outrun them, and you lose three fingers to a loan shark in Reno, and you find yourself living in a tent outside of Butte, Mont., when the Bursar's people finally catch up to you, but you narrowly escape, and you run like a dog escaping the pound, and the world seems so cold and lonely, and all you ever wanted was to be happy, and now you just drink and drink until you're a tired broken old man... sorry... I need a moment.
My old friend Dr. Phil has his own supplement line called "Shape UP," which has been discontinued and is currently facing a class-action lawsuit. Phillip's key to weight loss is apparently pushing worthless pills on overweight women with low self-esteem who have either an "apple body-type" or a "pear body-type."
I've created three supplements of my own design, produced under the Black Elk label. There is the Dr. Phil pill for the "I look like I was eaten and then subsequently excreted by an elephant seal" body type. There is also a PETA pill, which is made of a fibrous material that can be rolled and smoked in a trust fund check while you ponder more ways of convincing the voting public that liberals are a bunch of arrogant, out-of-touch pansies. Finally, the Family Circus pill is actually just poison in the shape of a lollipop with Bil Keane's name on it, but that's a story for another day.
My true love is watching girls in the gym get really catty and fight with each other over the elliptical machines. After a few rounds of pacing and aggressive staring, someone finally wins and gets on the open machine. Then they make sure that every TV is turned to America's Next Top Model and start churning their legs as if they'd been dumped in the ocean with two broken arms. For the next three hours, they will suck down about 175 packs of Splenda, drink 15 Red Bulls and repeat over and over, "She is soooooo not hot!"
There are a lot of pretty cool guys in the gyms too, and because I respect their coolness I've designed a workout program especially for them. The program is actually just one lift called "the curl to bench press." It combines the only two lifts you guys ever do, and when performed in front of a mirror wearing a small tank top, it's the only exercise you'll ever need. It also won't get you so big and strong that you lack the flexibility to properly pop your collar. Follow this program and you'll progress into one sweet, sweet guy. The frat will love you, but unfortunately your testicles won't. Sorry, it's just the price you have to pay to be cool.
Personally, most of my exercise comes from doing Jazzercise tapes. I also do a lot of wallowing and quite a bit of fidgeting. If I really need to drop a few pounds I'll bump up my scurrying and add a few sets of doddling. Meandering fits in there too, but it's complicated, and as a fitness expert I hardly have time to explain it to novices. All I can say is make sure you go through an extensive warm-up because this routine is totally X-treme (with at least three or four X's), and it will totally blast the bi's and tri's and really tear up the glutes and hammies.
In closing, you should all be extremely self-conscious the next time you go to work out, because I'm watching, and I'm judging.
Hugh Murphy '06 needs a spotter to pop his collar.
