Congressional Republicans are having a difficult time defending President Bush's choice of John Bolton as United Nations Ambassador. Democrats are letting loose a barrage of criticisms against the former arms-control officer, turning his confirmation hearings into a political circus. Bolton has been called a "quintessential kiss-up, kick-down sort of guy" who "abuses his authority with little people;" Senator Barbara Boxer, D-Calif., referred to him as a "bully" in need of "anger management." I'm here to give Republicans facing these callous attacks five reasons that John Bolton should represent the United States in the United Nations I trust that these five reasons alone will easily win over any Bolton-doubters in Congress.
Number One: He has a mustache. The Washington Post recently ran an article that rebuked Mr. Bolton's personal grooming: "Tidy the curling, unruly locks at the nape of his neck, tame the volume at the crown, reel in the wings flapping above his ears, and broker a compromise between his sand-colored mop and his snow-colored mustache." But I don't want my ambassador to look like a dandified fop. Bolton doesn't comb his hair or trim his 'stache for anyone. Perhaps one day his mustache will join the ranks of famous American mustachioed politicos such as Chester Arthur, Grover Cleveland and Howard Taft.
Number Two: Bolton is undiplomatic. Just look at the man's style. Says Richard Perle, a former Pentagon adviser who has worked with Bolton at the American Enterprise Institute: "He is very tough-minded and is not romantic about trusting promises, particularly promises of regimes that have a history of saying whatever they need to say to accomplish their purposes." He gruffly advocates hard-line foreign policy and has repeatedly spoken of single-handedly overthrowing the North Korean regime. Bolton is like Rambo, except less tactful - exactly we need for a U.N. diplomat.
Number Three: He has no respect for the United Nations. Congressional Democrats are making a great deal over Bolton's 1994 comments pertaining to the United Nations - like how he once said of the U.N. headquarters, "If (it) lost 10 stories, it wouldn't make a bit of difference." He said of the Security Council, "If I were redoing the Security Council, I'd have one permanent member: the United States." It certainly sounds like he has no respect for the United Nations. Perfect! The United States hasn't given a damn about the United Nations for the past two decades, so why should we start now? Appointing a considerate ambassador with a deep respect for the United Nations would be completely un-American.
Number Four: His name is "Bolton." For all I know, John Bolton could be Michael Bolton's comparatively caustic older brother. Appointing Mr. Bolton to the United Nations brings to mind the messianic image of Michael Bolton standing upon a craggy plateau belting out the United States' song to Turkmenistan and Myanmar. Michael Bolton and John Bolton should be permanent fixtures on the list with grandmas, apple pie and baseball.
Number Five: He's universally hated. What's more American than being hated by everyone else in the world? According to The New Republic, North Korea has called Bolton "rude," "human scum," "an animal running about recklessly" and "an ugly fellow who cannot be regarded as a human being." Kim Jong Il is certainly a good judge of character. An aggressive, dislikeable, uncouth ruffian? That sounds exactly like the sort of man who would reinforce the United States' image in the world!
So there you have it - the five indisputable reasons John Bolton should be confirmed as U.S. ambassador to the United Nations.
Senate Democrats can huff and puff but it seems they'll fail to blow John Bolton's house down. Why? Their criticisms of Bolton are identical to Republicans' praise. Democrats contend that Bolton is bullheaded and ideologically-driven; Republicans agree and say that's exactly what the United Nations needs. With these kinds of arguments, there's no way the Democrats can win.
The Democrats could have used Bolton's nomination as a chance to reconsider the United States' position in the United Nations, burst a hole in the Republicans' unified front, and regain respect for multilateral foreign policy. Instead, it's turned into a narrow discussion about some insulting comments Bolton made in 1994. Regrettably, Congressional Democrats squandered yet another opportunity and turned Bolton's confirmation into a pointless spectacle.
If Senate Democrats cannot convince the American public that we deserve otherwise, Bolton should be confirmed as ambassador. He has all the qualifications - come on, he does sport a great mustache.
Nicholas Swisher '08 listens to Michael Bolton.
