Watch out 'cause it's time for Richard Ross and Thomas Moore, they're gonna go ahead and tell you all the score, 'bout whether double B should be cheered or abhorred, is he gonna rock the NL West to the core, or is his career done just like Pauley Shore? So check out their expert knowledge and their witty rapport. (The "t" is silent.)
Ross: Errrbody in the Ratty gettin' tipsy. Barry spiked the punch with HGH. Tru story. April is upon us! Lo, the grass is cut, the Fenway Franks are rotating on the spits and my beloved Baseball Tonight is now marked by the beautiful nasal intonations of Tino Martinez. But there is no joy in Mudville, not with Barry Bonds dominating the headlines and the scrolls. For the love of pretzel salt, they're giving the man a weekly spot on ESPN, "Bonds on Bonds." Cheater, liar, erstwhile father, get him off the field, forever, and tattoo an asterisk on his forehead.
Tom: Hold up, asterisk? First of all, how is that not spelled with an "x?" Secondly, let's not forget Barry Bonds was the best player in baseball from 1990-1998. He was also the best player in baseball in the years that followed. Really big muscles didn't help other juicers finish with a .609 OBP, as Bonds did in 2004. I mean, I don't care if his head increased in diameter by 300 percent, his back had acne and he beat women (just kidding... not really), I'm still really freakin' impressed.
Ross: Another Barry apologist in our midst. Maybe you just feel certain kinship with substance abusers, eh, Panama Red? This is the classic argument realignment used for defending Barry Bonds and the invasion of Iraq. Point: Barry's a cheater. Counterpoint: He drops bombs! Point: Iraq didn't have WMDs. Counterpoint: What, you don't love freedom? Your double-speak may work on the weak-minded, broseph, but the issue here is whether Bud Selig should investigate Bonds and take punitive action against him. I say he should, and if Bonds is found to have taken (federally) illegal steroids, then we can start talking about how much they helped him. Maybe they helped a lot, maybe about as much as bleaching your hair helped your sex life back in the day, but let's cross that bridge when we come to it.
Tom: Why can't you just say "Barry defender" like a normal person? "Apologist?" Who speaks like that? Someone who mentions Iraq in a sports column, that's who. Listen, bud, if Bud investigates Bonds all he'll find is that he saved the sport. While baseball faithfuls like you and I live for Martinez's hair on HDTV alone, there are countless others who live for the long ball. Every sport needs a superhero, or super villain, to be jealous of, be in awe of and piss us all off for being so darn good. Barry obliged. Selig is the one who should be investigated if he in fact chooses to investigate Bonds. It's not like Barry using 'roids is new news. Did anyone actually not realize that Bonds had been juicing? Selig certainly did and he loved what it did for the game.
Ross: Ken Caminiti, 1996 National League MVP, known steroids user: deceased, age 41. You know what that means? Exactly. Barry Bonds has been dead for months, and Brian Sabean has been using an elaborate system of smoke and mirrors and holograms to convince us that... nevermind. But seriously, steroids are dangerous, and we've got plenty of clean moon-shooters. David Ortiz hits the Schilling out of the ball every day, and he's a gorgeous man and a genuinely nice dude. I'd be lying if I didn't say that Barry is one of the more entertaining players in all of sports, but we have to realize that baseball is about more than entertainment value. Kids emulate these men, and the world would be a better place if high-profile athletes like Bonds loved the kids like Trick Daddy. But Barry just loves himself, and I'm done with him.
Tom: As a Yankee fan, it's my duty to correct you: it's "Ortiz-fat," never just "David Ortiz." And I didn't know "genuinely nice" people showed up their opponents in such a disgraceful bat-flipping manner. Think of the kids! Do we want them emulating obese show boaters like Ortiz-fat or someone who would rather take a walk than hit anything like gentle, considerate Barry Bonds? Thank God, Allah, Jeter or whoever your god may be that we have outstanding role models like Bonds. Oh, but Barry has been dead for months... dead on the inside. His soul murdered by people like you who keep him from getting sleep at night. Speaking of which, isn't it past your bedtime? How is an old-timer like you able to write at such a high level at such a late hour? Is that a syringe I see on your desk? Hypocrite.
Tom Trudeau '09 and Ross Trudeau '06 luh' da' kids.
